theairlock | THE FIFTH INVESTIGATION

As correct as you are, that's not the case. From the sound of it something most certainly did happen and the others were fortunate enough to stop it before things got to the point of losing another of our number.

[Let that sink in for a couple seconds. No, no, a couple more seconds.]

--shit, again?

[see, church, you can be smart sometimes]

Correct. I'm starting to think we should keep closer watch on ourselves, if we're this desperate to die as quickly as possible.

Look how well keeping an eye out for each other helped Angel. [He's not going to apologize for that snap, but he deflates immediately after, rubbing his eyes. At least his fucking eyes hadn't itched yesterday, jesus. His hand doesn't drop even when he's done rubbing.] Okay, who the fuck was it. 'm trying to remember who all wasn't there.

[i mean, fair point]

Choromatsu, from the sound of it.

Christ, I know he's been down, but that down? Now I feel bad for not talking to him more often. Not that it'd make a difference.

I doubt it would have. He seemed upset the last time we spoke, but I doubted it was extreme enough to go that far.

[...]

I'm not sure if this is a matter of the group falling apart or pulling together, at this point. But I'm inclined to think it closer to the former.

['we're in deep shit', in other words.]

What the fuck. [Now it's a full face scrubbing with both hands before he finally just looks up at the ceiling in a resigned way.] What the fuck. We can't keep going like this. Maybe if someone's not dead that'll help? Nobody's dead. Nobody's dead this time, so...no murder, so we should start healing, right?

That could be the case. It's optimistic, but not impossible.

But this is the third suicide we've had, just the first that was prevented. It's as you say--we can't keep going like this. Most of us will fold and collapse if the pattern resumes, and some still could even if it doesn't.

So we're depressed and fucked and no amount of talking is gonna save anyone who's already decided it's their fucking time to go.

[Church is already physically tired, but when he looks back at Ardyn, the king of exhaustion will recognize how tired his look is.]

We're gonna lose more people like this, aren't we.

[That look would be just about mirrored; even though he'd actually been able to sleep for a change, this whole thing was as exhausting as ever.]

...That's the more likely scenario.

Not me. I'm not gonna. Got a job to do, after all. Once you're gone, well, then I'll have to figure something out, I dunno what, but not a second before that.

...Do you think--

[He cuts himself off, looking frustrated, weirded out at the whole situation, or that he's even thinking of saying this much less just saying it.]

Think they did the right thing, in saving him?

There's a difference between allowing someone their choice and stopping them from doing something careless.

I don't exactly know him well. But as far as I'm aware he's more reason to live than Rhys or Angel. Or myself, for that matter. So while he may not be all that grateful to be saved, it was more than likely the better course of action.

And how the fuck are you supposed to be able to tell? How do you decide, oh, she's got a bunch of good reasons to die, that's fine, but his reasons aren't good enough? You're the one that told me it's not fair for me to decide I'm okay with one person's decision and not another; why is this different?

Rhys had a lunatic living in his head, and Angel was already dying.

Choromatsu has neither of those problems unless we've some very well-kept secrets, and there's still a chance he's a family back at home the same as you've your own things to do when we escape this place.

You asked a question and I answered it, Church. I think that Choromatsu made a decision that was potentially an overreaction. I think that they did the objectively 'better' or 'right' thing given the situation at hand.

And I would not have done the same, because that's not my choice to help or hinder.

Yeah, well, who knows, maybe Choro's also gonna find out he's already dead where he's from same as Angel and same as you and same as a lot of people. Maybe Yuuri is, too! And Junpei! Maybe we're all already fucking dead, and we'd all just be better off--

[WOW do not complete that thought. Nope. Not doing it. He regrets those words the second they're out, even after he's snapped his mouth shut.

No. No, that was impulse, and he doesn't actually mean that. He's a pretty big fan of living, personally. Or...living in the afterlife, anyway?]

I can't just stand back and watch, but nothing I do makes any god damn difference anyway. It's like the god damn time travel all over again; I can't influence shit.

...You're wrong.

You've influenced more than you know. This half-broken group would be infinitely worse without you--smaller, certainly.

...I didn't really believe Clarith when she about told me as much, either.

The difference between Clarith and myself is that one of us knows what we are talking about, and he's sitting right in front of you. Whether you believe it or not, we would be exponentially worse off without you here. Queenie at the absolute minimum would have fallen apart long before now, and I suspect the same could be said for Junpei.

[Ardyn glanced over to make sure the others were mostly out of earshot before focusing back on Church.]

...If you hadn't organized that ridiculous party and the two of you hadn't cornered me, what do you think that Ardyn would have done to make sure the Starscourge had nowhere to go when Junpei lost it?

Queenie's got Nishi, [he starts a little morosely, same shit he said to Clarith] and Junpei's got a girlfriend now. And you...

[It isn't so much the idea of the tag team confronting Ardyn and making that pact, he's sure that helped. It's the mention of the party that surprises him. But why should it--after all, Ardyn had started that tease all over again in the bar. Maybe hadn't really wanted to, was certainly struggling over himself, but it had clearly...made an impact.

What would he have done without all that? Nothing that Church wants to think about.

He, too, surreptitiously looks around, then gently knocks their hands together, intertwines fingers, tugs toward the door. Even just out in the hallway, they're bound to have a little more privacy. They move out silently, away from the doorway and out of sight unless someone should leave or follow them for some poorly thought out reason. Church stares at the floor between them chewing his lip for a few moments, the touch of hand becoming a more proper grip.]

I know I at least made a difference with Junpei. I'm his best friend. He's...pretty sure he's never had one before. But he's got a girlfriend, and he's got other friends, and, look, we're a team. The team sticks together. [Unless orders drive them apart.] But I--I dunno, I figure he can at least go on without me if it comes to that.

[This is all important. And Church has, for better or worse, started clinging to whatever matters. No matter the reason. He looks up at Ardyn at last.]

You're the only one I feel like I've really, really truly helped out. That I've made a real difference with, and Queenie doesn't understand, maybe she's right, but she doesn't see you the way I get to see you. Maybe you don't know who or what you are right now, but you're...here. You're still here, and you haven't killed yourself or anyone else, so, y'know, that's a positive, and you're... I'm here to help you. And I feel like I'm doing that. I don't--I don't really--I dunno that I've really had as big an impact on everyone else that you think I do, but I know it's at least true for you.

If we get out and you really feel that tired that you need to find and end to it, I will fucking pull the trigger myself if I have to, but while you're still here I want to make sure you live. Not just make sure you stay alive, but that you live. As much as you can.

...And maybe that's what I help the others do. Even if just for...for an hour or two before everything goes to shit again and people do things like this. It doesn't feel like it lasts. I know it lasts with you. So at least for that, I'm glad to be your Shield.

[Ardyn let Church pull him along without an argument, listening in steady, calm silence as he spoke. There was no condescending smile or arrogant smirk on his face; he was just tired, still and silent as someone who had been left behind by time itself.]

She was right. Not about everything, of course, but...she was right that I think it's easier. It's easier to push the rest of you away and try to make myself forget what I was. If I could only do that, everything could go back to how it's been for so long. I wouldn't even consider struggling to care about the rest of you, I wouldn't have this lingering fear that one morning I'll turn a corner and the corpse we stumble on will be yours.

It was so much easier being Chancellor Izunia; easier to just destroy everything around me because I could and they deserved it. But after everything back at home--Noctis especially--I can't even find that level of hatred anymore.

[Ardyn shook his head, taking a slow breath to steady himself.]

...I was never meant to remember existing as anything else. But now a small part of me would rather be dead than continue as this thing I became, and doubts I even can 'live' anymore. And the rest just wants it to stop.

[He's not gonna hurt me, Q.

Not physically. That much he's certain of. But maybe he just wasn't counting emotionally in that aspect. Because in that case, Ardyn does hurt him, with brutal honesty, time and time again.

He tries and fails to contain the visibly upset look on his face, gazing down at their hands and the way his thumb is nervously worrying a back and forth line across the back of Ardyn's.]

Am I hurting you? By doing this. Being here and doing all this shit and making you feel when you don't even want to--is it hurting you?

[Ardyn's told him how pointless and hopeless it is time and again. Maybe if he says it one more time, really means it, if he truly wants Church to stop, maybe he'll listen this time...]

I can't...understand you. [He didn't pull his hand away, answering in what may have been the most sincere voice that 'Ardyn Izunia' had ever used.] Why you're still here, still trying. I keep telling all of you what a lost cause it is because eventually I'm sure you will all take a hint and get it over with. Forsake the healer and turn your back on whatever is left. But you and Junpei, you cling to a careless joke I made as though it were the word of Bahamut himself.

[You feel like you're losing ground, but those around you are a powerful influence.']

Why do you--why do so many of you care so much about someone I should never have been again? Why won't you just turn on me and get it over with?

Edited 2017-06-24 01:06 (UTC)

You became the embodiment of something that people were terrified of back where you're from. We didn't grow up with the starscourge in our lives. You got turned into something evil and reviled, and we didn't have that. We had you being kind to us. You gradually became Izunia with more memories and more of the scourge working at you.

The only reasons you ever gave anyone to be afraid of you was the whole apocalypse thing, and then your fuckface, okay, so that's why. I don't get it, man, if we haven't turned on you yet with everything you've said and what you've done, why would we do that now? Why do you want us to turn on you so bad? Just because you're used to it? Because it happened to you and now everyone's a threat? We're in a murder house in the future in another universe where people across the galaxy watch us kill each other and ourselves.

You're not that scary. Deal with it.

I don't want you to, I-...if it's going to backfire I'd rather it be over and done with instead of just waiting for what could be inevitable.

[Ardyn shook his head, briefly glancing away. What did he actually expect would happen here?]

...I can remember my exile as clearly as if it only just happened, instead of it being ages and centuries ago. If I can't trust people I actively fought to protect--if I can't trust my own brother, can I even trust people who know I'm some kind of monster?

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cw: suicide

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cw: suicidal ideation, ish

cw: suicidal ideation holy shit

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

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