theairlock | THE FIFTH INVESTIGATION

I doubt it would have. He seemed upset the last time we spoke, but I doubted it was extreme enough to go that far.

[...]

I'm not sure if this is a matter of the group falling apart or pulling together, at this point. But I'm inclined to think it closer to the former.

['we're in deep shit', in other words.]

What the fuck. [Now it's a full face scrubbing with both hands before he finally just looks up at the ceiling in a resigned way.] What the fuck. We can't keep going like this. Maybe if someone's not dead that'll help? Nobody's dead. Nobody's dead this time, so...no murder, so we should start healing, right?

That could be the case. It's optimistic, but not impossible.

But this is the third suicide we've had, just the first that was prevented. It's as you say--we can't keep going like this. Most of us will fold and collapse if the pattern resumes, and some still could even if it doesn't.

So we're depressed and fucked and no amount of talking is gonna save anyone who's already decided it's their fucking time to go.

[Church is already physically tired, but when he looks back at Ardyn, the king of exhaustion will recognize how tired his look is.]

We're gonna lose more people like this, aren't we.

[That look would be just about mirrored; even though he'd actually been able to sleep for a change, this whole thing was as exhausting as ever.]

...That's the more likely scenario.

Not me. I'm not gonna. Got a job to do, after all. Once you're gone, well, then I'll have to figure something out, I dunno what, but not a second before that.

...Do you think--

[He cuts himself off, looking frustrated, weirded out at the whole situation, or that he's even thinking of saying this much less just saying it.]

Think they did the right thing, in saving him?

There's a difference between allowing someone their choice and stopping them from doing something careless.

I don't exactly know him well. But as far as I'm aware he's more reason to live than Rhys or Angel. Or myself, for that matter. So while he may not be all that grateful to be saved, it was more than likely the better course of action.

And how the fuck are you supposed to be able to tell? How do you decide, oh, she's got a bunch of good reasons to die, that's fine, but his reasons aren't good enough? You're the one that told me it's not fair for me to decide I'm okay with one person's decision and not another; why is this different?

Rhys had a lunatic living in his head, and Angel was already dying.

Choromatsu has neither of those problems unless we've some very well-kept secrets, and there's still a chance he's a family back at home the same as you've your own things to do when we escape this place.

You asked a question and I answered it, Church. I think that Choromatsu made a decision that was potentially an overreaction. I think that they did the objectively 'better' or 'right' thing given the situation at hand.

And I would not have done the same, because that's not my choice to help or hinder.

Yeah, well, who knows, maybe Choro's also gonna find out he's already dead where he's from same as Angel and same as you and same as a lot of people. Maybe Yuuri is, too! And Junpei! Maybe we're all already fucking dead, and we'd all just be better off--

[WOW do not complete that thought. Nope. Not doing it. He regrets those words the second they're out, even after he's snapped his mouth shut.

No. No, that was impulse, and he doesn't actually mean that. He's a pretty big fan of living, personally. Or...living in the afterlife, anyway?]

I can't just stand back and watch, but nothing I do makes any god damn difference anyway. It's like the god damn time travel all over again; I can't influence shit.

...You're wrong.

You've influenced more than you know. This half-broken group would be infinitely worse without you--smaller, certainly.

...I didn't really believe Clarith when she about told me as much, either.

The difference between Clarith and myself is that one of us knows what we are talking about, and he's sitting right in front of you. Whether you believe it or not, we would be exponentially worse off without you here. Queenie at the absolute minimum would have fallen apart long before now, and I suspect the same could be said for Junpei.

[Ardyn glanced over to make sure the others were mostly out of earshot before focusing back on Church.]

...If you hadn't organized that ridiculous party and the two of you hadn't cornered me, what do you think that Ardyn would have done to make sure the Starscourge had nowhere to go when Junpei lost it?

Queenie's got Nishi, [he starts a little morosely, same shit he said to Clarith] and Junpei's got a girlfriend now. And you...

[It isn't so much the idea of the tag team confronting Ardyn and making that pact, he's sure that helped. It's the mention of the party that surprises him. But why should it--after all, Ardyn had started that tease all over again in the bar. Maybe hadn't really wanted to, was certainly struggling over himself, but it had clearly...made an impact.

What would he have done without all that? Nothing that Church wants to think about.

He, too, surreptitiously looks around, then gently knocks their hands together, intertwines fingers, tugs toward the door. Even just out in the hallway, they're bound to have a little more privacy. They move out silently, away from the doorway and out of sight unless someone should leave or follow them for some poorly thought out reason. Church stares at the floor between them chewing his lip for a few moments, the touch of hand becoming a more proper grip.]

I know I at least made a difference with Junpei. I'm his best friend. He's...pretty sure he's never had one before. But he's got a girlfriend, and he's got other friends, and, look, we're a team. The team sticks together. [Unless orders drive them apart.] But I--I dunno, I figure he can at least go on without me if it comes to that.

[This is all important. And Church has, for better or worse, started clinging to whatever matters. No matter the reason. He looks up at Ardyn at last.]

You're the only one I feel like I've really, really truly helped out. That I've made a real difference with, and Queenie doesn't understand, maybe she's right, but she doesn't see you the way I get to see you. Maybe you don't know who or what you are right now, but you're...here. You're still here, and you haven't killed yourself or anyone else, so, y'know, that's a positive, and you're... I'm here to help you. And I feel like I'm doing that. I don't--I don't really--I dunno that I've really had as big an impact on everyone else that you think I do, but I know it's at least true for you.

If we get out and you really feel that tired that you need to find and end to it, I will fucking pull the trigger myself if I have to, but while you're still here I want to make sure you live. Not just make sure you stay alive, but that you live. As much as you can.

...And maybe that's what I help the others do. Even if just for...for an hour or two before everything goes to shit again and people do things like this. It doesn't feel like it lasts. I know it lasts with you. So at least for that, I'm glad to be your Shield.

[Ardyn let Church pull him along without an argument, listening in steady, calm silence as he spoke. There was no condescending smile or arrogant smirk on his face; he was just tired, still and silent as someone who had been left behind by time itself.]

She was right. Not about everything, of course, but...she was right that I think it's easier. It's easier to push the rest of you away and try to make myself forget what I was. If I could only do that, everything could go back to how it's been for so long. I wouldn't even consider struggling to care about the rest of you, I wouldn't have this lingering fear that one morning I'll turn a corner and the corpse we stumble on will be yours.

It was so much easier being Chancellor Izunia; easier to just destroy everything around me because I could and they deserved it. But after everything back at home--Noctis especially--I can't even find that level of hatred anymore.

[Ardyn shook his head, taking a slow breath to steady himself.]

...I was never meant to remember existing as anything else. But now a small part of me would rather be dead than continue as this thing I became, and doubts I even can 'live' anymore. And the rest just wants it to stop.

[He's not gonna hurt me, Q.

Not physically. That much he's certain of. But maybe he just wasn't counting emotionally in that aspect. Because in that case, Ardyn does hurt him, with brutal honesty, time and time again.

He tries and fails to contain the visibly upset look on his face, gazing down at their hands and the way his thumb is nervously worrying a back and forth line across the back of Ardyn's.]

Am I hurting you? By doing this. Being here and doing all this shit and making you feel when you don't even want to--is it hurting you?

[Ardyn's told him how pointless and hopeless it is time and again. Maybe if he says it one more time, really means it, if he truly wants Church to stop, maybe he'll listen this time...]

I can't...understand you. [He didn't pull his hand away, answering in what may have been the most sincere voice that 'Ardyn Izunia' had ever used.] Why you're still here, still trying. I keep telling all of you what a lost cause it is because eventually I'm sure you will all take a hint and get it over with. Forsake the healer and turn your back on whatever is left. But you and Junpei, you cling to a careless joke I made as though it were the word of Bahamut himself.

[You feel like you're losing ground, but those around you are a powerful influence.']

Why do you--why do so many of you care so much about someone I should never have been again? Why won't you just turn on me and get it over with?

Edited 2017-06-24 01:06 (UTC)

You became the embodiment of something that people were terrified of back where you're from. We didn't grow up with the starscourge in our lives. You got turned into something evil and reviled, and we didn't have that. We had you being kind to us. You gradually became Izunia with more memories and more of the scourge working at you.

The only reasons you ever gave anyone to be afraid of you was the whole apocalypse thing, and then your fuckface, okay, so that's why. I don't get it, man, if we haven't turned on you yet with everything you've said and what you've done, why would we do that now? Why do you want us to turn on you so bad? Just because you're used to it? Because it happened to you and now everyone's a threat? We're in a murder house in the future in another universe where people across the galaxy watch us kill each other and ourselves.

You're not that scary. Deal with it.

I don't want you to, I-...if it's going to backfire I'd rather it be over and done with instead of just waiting for what could be inevitable.

[Ardyn shook his head, briefly glancing away. What did he actually expect would happen here?]

...I can remember my exile as clearly as if it only just happened, instead of it being ages and centuries ago. If I can't trust people I actively fought to protect--if I can't trust my own brother, can I even trust people who know I'm some kind of monster?

I know six weeks isn't a long time, but with the people we have left, and Queenie's the only one that doesn't like you? Unless PAL does some more drastic fuckery, we want to see you out of here as much as the rest.

You can trust me. Your brother was a dick, even if he was influenced by your bitchy fickle gods, but you can trust me.

...It's a lot to ask. I know. I get--I get a fraction of how stupid and impossible that sounds. Six weeks verses a life growing up together. You never thought he'd do that to you. I'm not gonna ask if you trust me, but I'm just saying...you can.

I think--I don't know if I want to trust you or if I simply do regardless. There's too much of myself that's...shattered, right now. I'm one person with you and Junpei, another with most everyone else. And I don't have an idea what to do with that. If it's something that can be repaired or if 'repairing' it will drive me even further down the same path as Angel and the others.

[His free hand came up to grip the collar of a stolen coat, like Ardyn had to be completely sure there was no quick escape out of this situation for either of them.]

...But I trust you whether I want to or not. I've trusted you for longer than I want to admit.

[The last thing he wants is to push Ardyn further down that path, the path he's already on, the path of Angel, and Rhys, and Choromatsu, but there's still hope, still a chance that Ardyn might fall the other way. And he shouldn't cling to that hope, but if he doesn't, who else is going to?

He's just lost. And someone's gotta guide him.

There is a suspended moment, between Ardyn's words, the hand on the coat, and hand in hand, and the fear and exhaustion and the hope and the terribly, horribly fucked up other emotions wrapped up in this terribly, horribly fucked up situation. A moment in this desperate vulnerability that stretches. A moment where Church realizes that maybe he should keep giving in to impulse, because if he doesn't, if he leaves things undone, there might not be a chance later. There might not be a lot of time left for any of them.

His mouth is dry, and all he can taste is fear and adrenaline, but he pushes forward anyway, quick, pressing his mouth to Ardyn's. One moment. Two moments. Three--

He pulls back, eyes wide, breathing temporarily hitting pause. Waits for the fallout while his own brain catches up to his actions.]

[Ardyn wasn't sure what he expected in response, but that was last on the list of possibilities. Not just last, but somewhere around the most distant and least likely outcome after a few hundred other options. Shock was the prevailing emotion, dulled as it felt; if he'd been in full possession of his emotions, Ardyn would have reacted with much more than the faint look of surprise and startled silence that met Church as he pulled back.]

[It wasn't quite the very human confusion of Ardyn Lucis Caelum that was staring at him and trying to process the situation, but it wasn't the cold fury of Ardyn Izunia either.]

Did...you just...?

Edited (accidentally a word) 2017-06-24 02:56 (UTC)

...I-- [How does he even possibly explain this one?]

It--th--y--wh--j--[Mostly what comes out of his mouth is a string of aborted consonants, just...just gibberish that goes on for longer than his usual attempts at trying and failing to find words.

And mostly what's going on in his head is you fucking did it the fuck now you fucking dumbass holy shit what the hell were you thinking WERE YOU EVEN THINKING AT ALL NO YOU WERE THE HELL NOT god damn it god damn it shit fuck shit shit shit fucking cocksucking assballs fffffffffffffffffff et cetera et cetera.]

wecanpretendthatneverhappenedIcango! I can...uh. Go. And. And maybe we'll just. That didn't happen? Gloss that over. Nope. Erase it. It. That did not have to have happened. A. It uh, it's a slip? A uh. Was as slip. It--if it-- [He's got the urge to just start singing heeeeat of the moment, telling me what your heart meant by way of explanation so now that's in his head and just...PAL needs to shock him right now. Or kill him? Maybe dying would be preferable to this.]

...

[Ardyn's hand dropped from his coat, briefly brought to his face before raking through his hair. And as it fell right back in his eyes, a smirk broke out across his face.]

[Whether it was the absurdity of the situation or Church's reaction itself, he just started laughing.]

Edited (i can speak english) 2017-06-24 03:16 (UTC)

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cw: suicidal ideation, ish

cw: suicidal ideation holy shit

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

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cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

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