the mock mingle

[airlockedmods]

[An hour ago you woke up in a bed that wasn't yours, awakened by a chirpy, feminine voice coming from the device on your non-dominant arm. The voice cheerfully requests that you exit your sleeping quarters and to please make your way to the the main deck of the ship for a debriefing on your circumstances.

It was around this time you might have noticed the clothes you last remember wearing are gone and replaced with this little number. If you take a moment to check out the Personal Identification Program on your arm, you'll find a touch screen with a few icons that lead to a series of 21 profiles and a series of apps that lead to note-taking functions and a number of customization appearance screens. The profiles all contain a photo of each Champion, their name and title, their age, species and world of origin.

As you stumbled out of your chrome-y quarters (into an equally chrome-y hallway), with every step the floor lights up under your feet, illuminating the dark ship a little at a time. On one side of the hallway are a series of mechanical doors with screen pads embedded on the walls next to them. A quick flash of your PIP will open them for you without hassle. On the opposite side of the hallway are a long string of windows showing nothing but vast amounts of stars and the deep, dark blackness of deep space. Once you reach the end of the hallway you'll find a large central living space with 20 other people, the same people from the profiles, either there already or filing in along with you. Floating well above everyone's heads in the middle of the room is a large computer screen. Once everyone piled in, the screen blinked to life and the same voice from your PIPs greeted you in the same peppy tone from before.

The voice introduced herself as the Champion Excellence Control Environment or C.E.C.E. before welcoming you to the Deep Space Champion Excellence Program, explaining that you were selected for this program based on being the best in your particular field in your particular world, hence the title of "Champion". In this program you will be expected to live communally together here on the ship for as long as possible. The ship is fully-functional and fully-stocked for an extended stay.

Oh? You don't want to stay and participate in the program? That's alright, there's an easy fix to that! All you have to do is kill one of your fellow Champions and not get caught. That is easy enough, right? Right.

When the debriefing is complete, the screen dims but doesn't turn off completely. If need be C.E.C.E. is available to answer any more questions you have throughout the week. For now, you're free to explore the ship as you like. There's the communal dining hall, a zero gravity room, a kitchen, a holo deck, the central living area and the personal quarters everyone woke up in.

Go make some friends, dears, you may be here a while.]

Comments

[humanitarianherbalist]

[He's...just going to stare for a bit. He doesn't know what half these words mean in context.]

He was the only one in the village not to show any fear of me, though I could tell he felt it. He defended the statue of me I had traveled so far to see. He stayed by my side even when hunger and sleep tried to claim him. He did everything he could for the village. I would never have been rough with him. [That isn't...quite helping...]

[waitforit]

[ It's probably for the best that he can't understand Barney's lingo... Barney nods, a knowing gleam in his eye. ]

So... what you're saying is you totally banged. Got it.

[humanitarianherbalist]

What do you even mean, "banged"? As I said, I never harmed him.

[waitforit]

You know, "it."

[ He grins. ]

You had sex. Did the dirty. Made love. Danced the horizontal tango. Rode the bike. You knocked boots. Got to know each other in the biblical sense. Had a close encounter of the hot kind...

[ Stop him, he will go on forever... ]

1/3

[humanitarianherbalist]

By "it" you mean...

[And then the innuendos start]

2/3

[humanitarianherbalist]

[And then he stares]

3/3

[humanitarianherbalist]

Of course not! [His tail starts glowing brighter, and that's definitely embarrassment on his face.] It-it was not that kind of relationship! He was a man of the Church, and I am past the time I would be seeking a mate!

[waitforit]

Aw, I was about to get to my good ones. I have a whole book on Canadian sex jokes, never mind a couple European ones...

[ This is the tragedy of our generation, people. Barney is not even fazed by his reaction. ]

Still and all—[ This would be a great time to burst into song. Alas. ] There's no such thing as "too old" for getting it on, bird dude. And a priest? That's awesome. Forbidden only makes it better, you know what I'm sayin'?

[ He'd honestly request a high five if you had hands, Griffin. ]

[humanitarianherbalist]

[The Griffin is just going to...continue to stare. His expression is getting more and more annoyed.] The only primal desire I ever had for him was to eat him. [Yeah. He's just going to say that flat-out. Don't kinkshame him please.]

[waitforit]

[ I can't believe Barney's going to kinkshame a Griffin. ]

You mean eat him out, right?

[humanitarianherbalist]

Is that another one of your innuendos?

[waitforit]

There's no innuendo in that one, bro.

[ He almost wants to say "did you blow him?" but maybe that'll be too obtuse... ]

It means you did this:

[ He's gonna. He's gonna make an open fist, put it up to his mouth and press his tongue against the inside of his mouth. The image it conveys is. Well. ]

Eading oud. [ Don't talk with your mouth full, Barney. ] You feel me?

1/2

[humanitarianherbalist]

[Some more staring. Another head tilt of confusion. Then his eyes widen.]

2/2

[humanitarianherbalist]

NO! Our relationship was not like that! I am literal when I said I wanted to eat him. There have been other noble people whose company I have enjoyed enough to devour when their time came. Although you are safe from that.

1/2

[waitforit]

You should've banged him, man! That's the best primal desire there is.

[ Sorry, he's an asshole. Barney breaks into a laugh. And his explanation? Yikes. ]

[waitforit]

[ I mean, y i k e s, that sobers him up quick. ]

Dude, if you were into the hard stuff, you should've just said. Wow.

[ He wouldn't kinkshame a lot of things, but. That's too hardcore even for him. ]

Pretty sure that's illegal in most places, griffin or not

[humanitarianherbalist]

[What might pass for a shrug.] I am a wild creature, in the end. I am not bound to human law unless I choose to obey it. [He's done so, for a few he's liked.] Humans are quite delicious, if they have the proper spirit.

[waitforit]

[ Barney shudders. Well, he sure is uncomfortable now. ]

Dude. Some of us around here are human.

[ He'll just... take a step back. ]

I'm not telling you how much I like fried chicken.

[humanitarianherbalist]

You just did. [A pause as he stares intently] I do not mind that, though. Besides, I am quite full now, and will remain so until the next equinox. I have no reason to eat anyone here.

[waitforit]

"How much" not, "do I like it." [ Semantics. ] Which I do, by the way. Wings are awesome.

[ Now he's just doing it to be a shit. And he's not nearly morbid enough to ask... but he's kind curious now. Did this dude eat a dude? Freaking horrifying. ]

You don't think that's creepy, ending up in someplace surrounded by... dinner?

[ Just getting a read on you, scary bird dude. Barney has no interest in being bird food. ]

[humanitarianherbalist]

[Another shrug-like movement] I have lived among humans between solstices before. Although usually of my own choice.

[waitforit]

Yeah well, don't eat anybody, dude. Just. Don't.

[ He's definitely eyeing Griffin wearily now. Somehow his words are not super reassuring. ]

[humanitarianherbalist]

As I said, I am quite full, and I do not eat between solstices. I consider myself fortunate that I do not need to eat that material that claims to be food.