theairlock | Week 5

Entry tags:

!round 3,
!week 5

Week 5

[Five weeks in, and suddenly your numbers have been reduced by a lot. All evidence of Oda's methodical slaughter has been wiped away by the robots, but getting rid of the memories isn't going to be so easy. Not to mention the emotional scars.

Again on Sunday morning, you'll find yourselves with some new memories and some new items. Today, however, there are no new rooms.]

Sunday | Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday

(( ooc: Don't forget to turn in your AC for Week 4, submit your memory regains, and put in your Benefactor threads! ))

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[ She doesn't know who the "Inquisitor" might be - the book had never made it that far. But she doesn't need to know. She doesn't need to know what monster they were fighting, or why. She'd read about Hawke's first time in the Fade, and just imagining it had been terrifying.

Dying there, being killed in that cold, dark world full of spirits, where the laws of physics, of common sense didn't apply... ]

Oh.

[ It seems unfair. After all that Hawke had been through, all of her battles, everything she'd accomplished...and she'd died, all the same. Cut off from her friends, desperate and fighting in a place far from home.

Dying someplace unfamiliar and unwelcoming. Like Mako, and Cheryl, and all of the others.

Feeling almost as if she's in a dream herself, CT looks around, at the empty room. She's not sure who Varric's roommate had been, but it looks as if it's been just him for a while now. Slowly, heavily, she sits down on the edge of one of the mattresses, so she can look him in the eye. ]

It wasn't your fault.

[ He hadn't said it was, but, again, he doesn't have to. CT knows too much about blaming herself to not recognize Varric doing the same thing. ]

Whatever happened...it wasn't your fault for not being there.

Maybe not.

[But if not his, then who? He thought about blaming the Inquisitor for letting her make such a decision, knowing full-well what it would mean for him. But Hawke was a stubborn beast, and anything the Herald might have said to her would have gone in one ear and out of the other.

His mind then drifted to Anders. If not for the Mage-Templar war, ultimately started by his actions in Kirkwall, the Conclave wouldn't have happened. Perhaps Corypheus would have found a way to rise to power, but that didn't mean Varric and Hawke had to be part of it.

He knew better, though. They'd been the ones to release the so-called magister in the beginning. This fight was theirs as much as it was anyone else's.]

I was the one that wrote to Hawke, asking for her help. We had experience with the asshole tearing Thedas up this time around. Maybe if I hadn't...

If you hadn't, then maybe you wouldn't have stopped the monster at all. Maybe the Inquisitor would've died instead. Or...or you. All of you. Maybe you never would've escaped the Fade at all.

[ She doesn't know. There's no way to know, because that's not what had happened. There's no way to change it now. ]

...She wanted to help.

[ She'd answered his message, after all. She'd come when he'd asked her to. ]

She...she would've wanted to be there with you.

Hawke already gave too much.

[She'd lost her father, her home, and her sister in that order. Her brother had turned his back on her. She'd been gored in the fight with the Arishok, saved the damned city anyway, and then watched it turn against her.]

She was different then, at Adamant. She wasn't fresh-faced girl from Ferelden anymore. She'd grown up, and that was the worst thing the Maker could have done to her.

I know.

[ CT's never been any good at this. She's not like Varric, who's, even in the short time they've known each other, cultivated the talent of making her feel more hopeful just by sitting down next to her and offering her a smile, or turning her frustration into laughter by saying just the right thing.

CT never knows what the right thing to say is. And she sure knows she's not capable of making anyone feel any better just by being there. She drops her head, staring down at the floor. ]

...She deserved better.

Everyone does.

[The Maker had turned his back on his world, leaving people like Hawke to suffer in his absence. Perhaps that was what happened to this rugged place in space as well. Maybe they, too, had lost their gods, and doomed anyone they could to suffering.]

You don't deserve to be in this place. Pyrrha doesn't. Max doesn't [He drew a breath.] Mako didn't.

Maybe one day, people will get what they deserve. In a good way, not by getting what was coming to them. But it's not going to happen while we're locked away like this.

[ There it is again. The same old song everyone's been singing for weeks. It sucks, but we can't do anything about it. It's terrible, everyone dying, but our hands are tied. Do you have a better suggestion?

She still doesn't. ]

I know it won't.

I wish...I wish there was more I could do.

[ To get them all out of here. To stop the killing. To comfort Varric, who deserves this least of all of them, and has had it worse than most - worse than CT, anyway. Being stuck here, watching his friends die, then learning about Hawke's death through a dream.

It isn't fair. ]

Sometimes all we can do is listen.

[A shiver worked its way down his spine. He had said almost the same thing a week ago, when he was convinced that he and Oda were working together. He was so concerned about stopping the threat he'd perceived from the other residents that he hadn't even bothered looking to his companion.

His gaze flicked upward, resting on CT for a moment. Was there something on her mind? Maker only knew how long he'd been talking about himself.]

I think you've done enough listening to an old man and his woes, though. What about you, Soldier?

[ She feels relieved when he changes the subject, and then immediately guilty for feeling relieved. Varric's done so much for her, listening and encouraging and helping her get her mind off things. Doesn't she owe him the same?

But she still doesn't know what else she could say that might help, and she's not about to force him to talk about Hawke if he doesn't want to. Maybe he'll want to say more later...but for now, she accepts the out he offers, shrugging her shoulders and looking away.

Unfortunately, this topic isn't much of an improvement. ]

I remembered more, too. There was another mission. And I...left. Defected. I abandoned my team and joined the other side. And then...

[ Unexpectedly, her throat closes up, the hot sting of tears threatening behind her eyeballs as the memories flood back yet again. Her next words are barely above a whisper, and she can't look Varric in the eye. ]

...I didn't know he was gonna do it. I didn't know.

[As hard as it was to see CT in this state, some part of Varric couldn't help but think that the shift was a welcome change. He didn't want to see her in tears, didn't want to know that there was another, painful memory rattling about within her head. But Varric couldn't do anything to fight against his own doubts. CT, on the other hand, was a rational woman who listened to what he had to say. He knew that at least this could be helped.

If nothing else, he could ease the emotional load that she was carrying.]

What happened? [He reached out, catching hold of her hand. Though he squeezed it once, his grip was quick to loosen again. If she needed to pull free and be alone, he'd let it happen.

Whatever she needed right now, he would give.]

[ This time, she doesn't jump when he reaches for her. Varric's hand squeezing hers is warm and reassuring, and she squeezes back briefly, just barely perceptible, before letting go again.

She doesn't deserve his comfort. Not after this. ]

...They came after us. The others - they were searching for us. Outside of the ship, with those stupid jetpacks.

[ The jetpacks. Dangerous, unpredictable. All too easy to misjudge your trajectory and go sailing off into space. ]

The Director followed them. We fired on the ship. [ She'd seen it on the viewscreen, the Mother of Invention shuddering under the blows. ] We set in a course - I didn't understand why he wanted to leave so quickly. I thought maybe...

[ Maybe he was being merciful. Giving CT's former friends a break. There was no need to destroy the ship, after all, when they had all the evidence she'd taken from it. No need to kill anyone. The courts could pass judgement on the Director. And they could be free and clear of all of it.

She closes her eyes. ]

I was wrong.

Before we left...he dropped a nuke.

I didn't realize until it was too late.

[ And then they'd jumped into slipspace, and it was too late to stop it. Too late to do anything at all. ]

[There was a lot there that Varric didn't understand. The ships, those were starting to make sense, the more time he spent here in Starfield. Ships, space, that was the sort of thing he'd begun to piece together. Other parts, on the other hand, were far beyond him.

He didn't need a book to decipher the note in her voice, though. Whatever a nuke was, it was bad enough to upset her.]

Who is he? The Director, or...?

No. Not the Director.

[ That...well, it would have been bad, but at least it wouldn't have been her fault. She shakes her head. ]

The leader of the Insurrection. [ ("Insurrection.") ] The one I...fed info to, defected to.

[ What makes this even omre frustrating is that she still can't remember just what information she'd managed to collect and hand over to him. Had it been worth it? Any of it? ]

We were. Together, I guess.

[ And she doesn't remember that either, not really. She remembers realizing that she had feelings for him, sure. But not the feelings themselves. ]

I abandoned my team...I left my friends to be with him.

And he tried to kill them all.

You didn't know he would try?

[She had said as much, but he wanted to be sure.]

I don't think that's your fault. Hell, I aided and abetted Anders with half of his mage rights schemes. But I wasn't the one who put the bomb in the Chantry that day.

[Much as he wanted to blame himself, when it came down the brass tacks, it was just Anders behind the attack.]

We can't always take the fall for our loved ones.

[ CT shakes her head again. No, she hadn't known. Not like that. A few potshots to keep the MoI at bay, sure. But a nuke... ]

But he wouldn't even have known about us if it wasn't for me. He would never had had a reason to attack at all.

[ Still "us." She knows, logically, that she'd defected, that she was no longer a part of Project Freelancer. But knowing it and living it are two different things.

One of the tears that had been threatening to fall nearly escapes. Quickly, CT swipes the back of her hand across her eyes, looking shamefacedly away from Varric. ]

I don't even know if they got out in time. And if they didn't...

[ Then it's her fault. The Counselor had said that Wash and Carolina had been reassigned, but he hadn't mentioned anyone else by name. Is this what had happened to the rest of them? Had CT killed them all? ]

[Varric reached out. He knew was too late to wipe the tear away, but her hand was a good consolation prize. He squeezed it tight, lowering it to the space between them as he did. Never once did his eyes leave her, and never once did he look as if condemned her.]

You didn't know. You were trying to do the right thing.

[When the Chantry exploded, at least he knew his friends weren't among the faithful. They were all at his side, watching the ash and rubble rain down upon the city they'd protected for seven years.]

They're supposed to be the fastest, strongest and smartest soldiers out there, right? I'm sure they got out. They don't sound like the types to just curl up and die.

You can't outrun a bomb.

[ Not after a certain point. Maybe if they were far enough away to begin with. Maybe if 479er had alerted them soon enough to get back to the dropship.

Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe the Counselor knows, but even if he does, she's still not sure that she wants to ask him. What if he confirms her worst fears? ]

...I don't know.

I guess I'll remember eventually, right?

[ You know, unless she dies first. ]

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Week 5

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