theairlock | the final week

Entry tags:

!round 2,
!week 8

the final week

[Eight weeks. Eight weeks of friendship and love, death and loss, hope and despair all muddled together in a cocktail that's too sweet on the tongue and leaves an acid-y pit in the stomach. With nine of them left (ten counting their dear but lone surviving host), things look darker than ever. Come Sunday morning the last of the Champions missing memories will be returned to them while they sleep. For some of them this will reveal answers, for others it might just be a fate worse than death. They could even be death.

But how does the song go? "It's always darkest before the dawn"?

There are no announcements from PAL this week. Not even morning and evening announcements.

Sunday Monday Tuesday

[ooc: Welcome to endgame, everyone! We're all very proud of you for making it all the way to the end. As you can see this is going to be a short IC week but we promise things will not be going down until this weekend (7/7-7/9). On Tuesday we'll be unveiling the OOC post for what to expect during the final investigation. There is no official AC this week, just a check-in and as mentioned above characters will be at their true canon points on Sunday morning.

Buckle up, kids, the ride's not over yet.]

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[Things were tense, to say the least. Ardyn was frustrated with her, and he knew damn well that some people were far more than just 'frustrated'. He didn't even think that she'd see the other side of matters, but someone had to at least try to explain it.]

[Useless damnable gods, was this parenting?]

Clarith. Do you have a moment?

[ Yes, Ardyn, it is. ]

Sure. What do you want to talk about?

[I want to talk about what the hell you thought you were doing was the kneejerk response, but he bit his tongue and stopped himself. Anger without hate, he was going to have to learn to get used to that.]

We need to talk about that last ceremony.

...

[ She's quiet for a few moments, then turns fully to him. ]

...All right.

[ She'll let him talk first, unless he wants to hear her reasoning. ]

Before either of us says anything at all, it is of vital importance to me that you understand something I am having difficulty with myself: I am incredibly furious and perhaps even disappointed, but I don't-... I do not hate you. Given my track record with anger, I think that needed to be said first.

[It briefly occurred to Ardyn that the long-dead Founder King of Insomnia was perhaps owed considerable apologies for having to deal with two children perpetually either add odds or starting trouble.]

With that aside though I'm certain I can guess the answer to this: what were you thinking?

...

[ Hm. What was she thinking? ]

...A lot of things. My choice was... Perhaps more complex than I think anyone could realize at first. I think more than I realized at first, even. But there was a lot that went into it.

[ She'll look back down to the memorials. Specifically, she's looking to Mikaela's. ]

...A single life is easier to save, was one. Another was that, I would rather everyone be angry at me than potentially at themselves if we were wrong. Because if we were, and all of us died, leaving Queenie with that burden... And if there was anything after this life here... I knew and trusted you all enough that you would catch me and not let me dwell forever if I was wrong. Queenie... Wouldn't have had anyone. Just the horrible, crushing guilt of killing every single one of us.

[ She shakes her head a bit to clear it, remaining focused on the graves. ]

...I wouldn't have made that choice if I hadn't seen in him what I saw in you: someone worth trusting who, on some level, wanted to change. I kept thinking back, to earlier weeks. He didn't have to let us have that first party with the bowling instead of a motive. He didn't at all interrupt us, and let us have our fun that week. He sent a motive in silence later on, one that didn't interrupt us. And then there was Junpei's arm later on. He could have just left it at, "Then you shouldn't have interfered." But he didn't. So many small things that... That added up to a bigger picture.

So I accept that people are angry, and may even hate me. But no matter how many times we vowed that no one would kill someone, it... Didn't change. No matter how many times we tried to find ways out, we couldn't. So I took a leap of faith--that maybe, just maybe, even if everyone hated me or was angry, I could still find a way out for them. Even if they left me behind and we went our separate ways because of this. Because fighting against the one who controlled this place wasn't working. And I saw enough discussion of plans and wars during the Green Hunting to know that you change tactics when something isn't working, even if it means a great sacrifice--in this case, me.

[ She could survive killing Queenie, eventually. She might have been bad and depressed awhile, and even borderline broken for a time, but she'd survive. She'd lived through worse.

But she wasn't sure Queenie would have been able to survive killing them, and that alone, seeing her smiling again... Made it worth it. ]

...They may never forgive me, but that's... Okay. They'll be able to live, maybe even find eventual happiness. And that is... The most important thing to me.

That silent little motive was hell for some of us, Clarith--Junpei and Nari especially. And he still killed Larimer for standing up to him. Did you forget that, or merely choose to ignore it? I owe PAL something myself, but that doesn't mean I'm blinded to what he's done to all of us.

[She did, admittedly, have a few points Ardyn couldn't counter. Obviously there had been something left to Ardyn worth holding on to, so it was not impossible that the killer AI might potentially have had something to it as well. Queenie would almost certainly have been the only one to live if that vote had locked at a standstill.]

[...Almost?]

[He took a slow breath to stop himself from snapping at her, raking a hand through his hair. There was no outright venom to his words when he continued, but Ardyn's voice was strained with anger he was still trying not to allow to get the better of him.]

This isn't about you accepting everyone's hatred because you think you did the right thing, or sacrificing yourself for our happiness. I'm tired of you martyring yourself and refusing to accept that you might make a mistake in doing so.

This is not about you, your desperate need to martyr yourself, or whether or not it paid off in the end. It's about all of us.

This is about who you chose to believe in. Every last one of us chose to abstain from voting; to act on our vow to refuse to kill anyone else, and accept the consequence even under pain of death.

And you chose to trust in a shred of humanity you couldn't know existed instead of all of us who have struggled with you for these past two months. You saw our resolve and yet you tore that choice clear out of our hands because you needed to be right about him, else all your efforts to reach him would have meant nothing. You turned on what should be your family, Clarith, in favor of something you had no way of knowing was not just abusing your kind heart and lying to you.

[He took a breath, sighed, and asked the one question he was certain Clarith hadn't considered.]

If you trusted him not to kill Queenie, why couldn't you trust him not to kill all of us if we'd deadlocked his vote?

Because if we were wrong--if I was wrong--I couldn't let Queenie to be the one left to live with the consequences.

[ A deep breath. Did he not listen at all? She feels like it. ]

I can endure and survive. Queenie... Queenie would have lost everything. I made that choice because I trust you all, because I have faith in you. It's not about me being right or a martyr, Father. It's that I knew I could live with the consequences if I was wrong. Because you all helped me to come to that point. Yes, he could have been abusing my kindness. I'm not so naive and dumb to not consider that.

[ It's frustrating. Just because she's quiet, just because of her past, she feels... Underestimated. ]

...But I'm stronger now. I could live with what I did if I was wrong. I know that I could have misplaced my faith, but... If my leap didn't pay off, someone would be there to catch me--but no one would be there for Queenie if we all abstained and made the wrong choice.

[ ...She hopes he takes this to heart. ]

I thank Held I was right. But I know it was a slim chance. I know I took a gamble. And I know people may hate me for taking that path, or taking that choice, but all I can see when you insist that it was the right one is-- Is Queenie, sitting there, watching in horror as we're all killed before her eyes and she's left alone, with nothing left but the horror at what she's done and the "congratulations" that cuts like a knife. Because what if I was wrong to trust PAL at all? Because it was such a small chance it worked. I was terrified, Father. That we were reaching out to something not there. Because you're right. I had no way of knowing.

[ She's still terrified. She reaches up, wiping away a tear, shaking. Because he had kept this all in since the trial. ]

...I wake up every morning, expecting this to all be a dream. But it's not. We're here, and alive, and a gamble I took paid off. Because I trusted all of you.

And if you had been wrong otherwise, the way we all felt after that ceremony would have been the harsh reality even now. You can't tell me you would have been able to live with that when I know for a fact you isolated yourself immediately after the ceremony was over. Guilt like that would crush you sooner or later.

Both options had a slim chance for survival if we were to believe PAL had the slightest trace of morality, and the fact that you took that choice from us...I need you to understand that it doesn't feel as though you trusted us at all back there.

...I did. I trusted you all so much. I isolated myself, but... I needed some time to think. Some time to be sad and mourn. I... Did something similar when Mikaela died, only I didn't have any doors to lock. When I was back home, I mean. And similarly... Lord Keel picked me back up and helped me endure. I checked when I was sure people weren't looking--took the letters and what I was left with. I never did thank you for that doll.

[ She'll kneel now, looking once more to Mikaela's memorial. With her memory completely back, she thinks she's a little stronger. Those days with Mikaela, when she had to talk in the convent, seem so distant now--Mikaela had been planted not long ago by her memory. ]

...Back home, when she died, I kept thinking that it should have been me. Because I survived in the wake of her death. If no one else had been there... Well... I can only imagine how much worse it would have been for Queenie, to be isolated in this place, watching us die for her... I'm not... Nearly as good or hopeful as I seem, Father. I've just gotten very good at seeming like it. I can endure hatred, or anger. I endured it for much longer. The guilt... Would be with me forever, but I carry enough guilt with me, that what was a little more? I already bear the guilt of Ayn dying for me--I knew he would, no matter how much I tried to get him to run to safety. Maybe... It's naive... To have that much faith in other people to catch me. But I trusted you all... To not let me isolate myself forever, to help pull me up even if you couldn't forgive me.

I understand you may not see it that way. I won't take that from you, and I am sorry I took that choice at the ceremony. I just... I couldn't leave Queenie to that fate. Not when I know how awful it is to lose someone you love, but to then find out she took his life and couldn't remember, and then potentially damning us all... I won't ask for forgiveness. I don't have that right. Not from this. I made my choice, and I must live with it.

All I want is for you to be aware of how terrible an idea that was--and how much all of us have a right to be angry with it. Nothing but time might fix that, but no matter how furious we are you're still one of us. If there's guilt you have to carry, then there will also be those of us that will give you the strength to bear it and who will catch you when you do happen to fall.

...I've had family turn on me before. I've been isolated, ostracized, and very literally demonized. I will not see it happen to anyone else here.

I can't entirely forgive you for what's happened. But I don't hate you for it, either.

...Thank you. That's all I ask. I... Was always aware, it was a terrible idea and a risk.

[ ...But knowing that Queenie might have to face that avalanche alone, with no one to pull her out until she drowned in it all... ]

...When this is over, when we're free... I have other things I want to tell you. When it's safer to fall apart and let everything out. Things from... Back home, that I endured, that I think I can finally release and move past. Is that all right?

We'll have time enough for that, once we're out of here.

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the final week

garden

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