theairlock | week 6

[ But if it's not her fault, then whose is it? She's the big sister. The club leader. The upperclassman. It has to be her responsibility. It's always been her responsibility, hasn't it? Ever since they lost Megu-nee. It's all been her responsibility. Her fault. The others had never said it to her face, but they never told her otherwise. And on days when their electricity stores didn't stretch as far as expected or they ran out of food a bit sooner than she'd promised, she'd felt their annoyance, their blame. Whose fault could it be but hers?

But this isn't something as simple as miscounting solar cells or the cans of hardtack in a box. It's Ruu. Her sister, the most precious thing she'd had in that decaying world. And she'd still lost her.

And yet: she isn't to blame, he says. Not for Ruu. Not any of it.

She should protest. She should insist that she should've done more. That the blame is hers. But she's so tired of it. Blaming herself, fighting herself. And here Junpei is, telling her the words she's so desperately needed to hear the entire time they were locked in that prison of a school: it's not your fault.

Yuuri lets her head tip forward, rests her forehead against his and lets herself cry. It's not the wounded, gasping sobs from before but something quieter, less desperate and from a much deeper place of pain. She's crying for Ruu. Crying for Megu-nee. For the first time she can remember, Yuuri finally cries for herself and the life taken from her, rotted away to nothing on a dead island in a dead world. ]

[He doesn't say anything for a long time, because it isn't the time or the place. Words are empty in the face of grief and nothing here isn't grief. No reasoning or explanation is going to patch the wound in Yuuri's heart, and all he can do is be there, pressed against her, to staunch the flow. To keep some of the life--some of her love for Ruu-chan, for her sister--inside her. So she can live.

Junpei doesn't say anything. He keeps her hair back from her wet face, murmurs shushing noises without meaning a syllable of them, makes sure he's never not touching her, that she never loses contact with the warmth of his skin.]

When we get out of here...

[He says only when she's quieter, soft himself.]

First, we'll rescue your friends. If Ardyn doesn't want to do it, I know Church and Queenie and Arianna will. And then I'll take you to my Japan, Japan in 2029, and I'll show you...

[He holds her face in two hands again, then picks up a blanket and brushes tears away. Like she, and not Ruu, is the precious child in need of care.]

I'll take you to a summer festival. O-Bon. And we'll... remember everything we've lost, there. Everything we've forgotten.

[He stops dabbing at her face and just looks at her, her cheek in his palm.]

Come with me to that festival, Yuuri. Please.

[ It takes her some time to settle. It helps to be touched, held and reassured no matter how raw and unworthy of it she feels right now. It's like pulling a splinter or a shard of glass from a wound. It hurts and she's hypersensitive to it but if it doesn't happen she won't ever be able to start healing. And this... if nothing else, is a start.

Her breaths are soft, snuffly and her face is red. She must look a mess. But her eyes are clear, overbright with tears still threatening to spill down her cheeks. All those names. All those people who care, who want her safe. All willing to go to war for her, just to make her happy. She can hardly believe it.

Yuuri has to swallow hard to chase down the lump in her throat enough to speak. Even then, her voice is still hoarse. But she needs to say this out loud. ]

Yes. Please-- please take me. We'll go together, you and me. We'll pick out whatever we like from the food stalls and we'll watch the dances and the lanterns and...

[ She trails off. Swallows again. ]

After that. Let me stay with you. After it's all over... please. Let me stay with you.

[Unbelievable, what she does to him. The plea catches in his throat, his chest, binding him to her with a slowly closing, almost painless knot--something that when complete, might feel whole.

He closes the distance between them himself, wrapping both arms around her, breathing out as they come together.]

Yes. Yes, if you want to--yeah. Stay. [He presses his nose into her hair.] Where--wherever I end up. Come with me.

[He and Akane will always be part of each other, two halves of one piece. But that doesn't mean connection--need, warmth, comfort, a touch, a breath, love--that wish, live, live--is lesser. He wants to reach out and bring Yuuri into his heart, keep her safe. Stay with me.]

Church invited us to... wherever he's from. A canyon in space. There's a war, but he seems to think we can handle it.

[Junpei's not exactly sure what grounds Church has to believe that, since what they do here has nothing to do with fighting the Covenant--except for the extreme hatred participating in the Airlocked franchise has bred towards an anonymous, faceless multitude of aliens. But he trusts Church.]

I'll never let anything hurt you, Yuuri. And I'm not... I'll never leave you behind.

[ When he says it like that -- like it's a promise he truly intends to keep, Yuuri feels herself start to shake. Her eyes burn with tears again and it's only with the utmost effort that she manages to keep them from spilling out. She'd never let herself consider anything other than surviving. That was dangerously close to actually giving up. But there hadn't been any sort of plan for life after the Fantasy Sweet. And once her friends were saved, there was nothing left for her in her world. She would've been adrift, without anything except whatever was left of herself and the School Living Club once they were home.

But... that place doesn't have to be home anymore. She can choose now. Home can be somewhere else -- with someone else.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Yuuri presses her face into his shoulder. She wants to say I'm sorry again. It's been such a long, hard week and at the end of it, Junpei shouldn't have to be the one comforting her like this. But he is. With the utmost tenderness and without an ounce of impatience or bitterness, he is.

And... isn't that what he's always done? ]

Junpei, I-- [ what she finally manages to get out, in a tight choking voice, isn't an apology. She's clinging onto him, afraid she might go adrift if she dares let go. ] Thank you. Thank you so much. For everything.

You don't need to thank me.

[Not when she's saved him, too, in some subtle fashion too difficult to explain, to put into words. He's not even consciously aware of it, how much he's changed over the last five weeks. How much less it hurts to care, to smile, to offer a word or a hand--because someone's caring and smiling for him in return.

After the Nonary Game, it took one year and a month for Junpei's heart to twist and calcify into something hard, something more thorn than living green. Now, some thirty-six days into Airlocked's experiment, ten of their number lost, his own arm gone--now, after five weeks of gentleness, of care, of human touch, it's like new growth finding air and sunlight for the first time and realizing it's strong enough, it's always been strong enough.

Flowers aren't all the Champion Green Thumb can bring to life.]

You just need to live. We're going to make it out of here, Yuuri. And once we do--once this is all behind us--then we can do things properly. [His eyes are closed. His nose comes to rest in her hair.] For Ruu-chan. For everyone.

[For lives they won't even realize they've lost, until they escape and realize they can really never go back.]

Just hold on until then. I'll definitely--we'll all definitely get you out of here.

[ Yes I do. she thinks. Yes, I absolutely do.

What would she have done, all those weeks ago, if her open arms in the garden had been met with a rebuff? Where would she be now if there wasn't a warm bed, a warm body to sleep next to every night? Yuuri cares for the others so much -- they've all, in their own way, helped her and saved her. But that's different, so different from this sort of warmth and this sort of connection -- from Junpei's arms around her, his hands in her hair, his mouth pressed against hers.

She lets out a shaky breath she hadn't been aware she was holding and nods slowly. ]

I... I promised. Mai-chan, way back then. I promised her that I'd live. And... I--I'll promise you the same thing.

[ It's all that gets her up some days here. That promise: the idea that just surviving this place was not enough when she had looked Mai in the eyes when she'd cast her vote and sworn she was going to live. ]

I won't die. We're going to get out of here together and... and somehow... we'll find a way to live. Properly.

[ There aren't very many of the things or people Yuuri loves left. She's not going to let go of the things, the people that still remain. ]

[After a moment, Junpei pulls back, but he puts one hand on her shoulder. They never need to be not touching, not even for this.

Because he's holding up a pinky between them.

Seal the deal, Yuuri. Make this most solemn of oaths. We are going to live.]

[ A pinky promise. She looks a little surprised for a moment. But then, all her breath comes out again in a soggy little laugh. Of course. What good is a promise if you won't pinky swear on it?

Her hand is shaking when she hooks her pinky finger around his, but she's finally smiling. ]

I-- I promise.

Promise.

[He repeats it softly, then leans over their linked pinkies to kiss her between her eyebrows.]

In the meantime, it's my turn to take care of you. All right?

.. I...

[ And still that little voice wants to insist that Junpei is the one who needs to be cared for here, Junpei is the one having a worse time than her. But just this once, Yuuri can't make herself listen to it.

She unlinks their pinkies but only so she can take his hand and entwine their fingers again. ]

Th--then... would you just... hold me for a little longer...? And... t--talk about anything that isn't this. I need to hear you talk about... something, anything.

[Junpei is most certainly not having a worse time than her. Junpei doesn't have a sister, hasn't spoken to his family in a year, doesn't have anything to lose with these memories. Not anymore.

So he holds her and he settles back. He'll hold her for as long as she needs.]

Uh, something to talk about...

[He looks at the ceiling as he thinks, his thumb moving idly, rhythmically over hers.]

...I never explained about the rabbits, did I? Why a rabbit tattoo would mean something to me.

[ A shake of the head. ]

No. You said it was... something to do with why you decided to become a detective. But you didn't say anything else about it.

[His voice is a little distant as he remembers.]

When I was twelve... my elementary school, we kept animals, you know? Rabbits, chickens, guinea pigs. And of course, taking care of them was one of our morning duties.

No one wanted to do it... I mean, we were twelve, so at least we guys were at that age where we didn't want anything to do with anything cute. But... I had one friend. My... my very best friend, I guess you could call her. We'd been together since we were six. Akane... Akane Kurashiki.

[He's not sure he's ever said her name aloud, here in the murder mansion. It's only floated in the air around him like a ghost he can't--or won't--escape.]

She volunteered, so I did, too.

[ Her eyes are shut -- she's got the dull headache that comes with crying pounding behind them and the relative dark of having them shut is soothing it a little. But she's awake and she's nodding along to let him know she's listening. ]

That sounds nice. [ and then, as she connects the dots: ] Is she the friend you were talking about a few weeks ago? The one you said your parents knew you were always with whenever you went out.

Mm. She was kind of weird, so the other kids thought she was creepy. It was always just the two of us.

[I.e., Junpei was kind of a weird kid, too.]

One day, though, I overslept... and when I got to the hutch to take care of the rabbits, Akane was there. Crying.

Someone... had killed them. [His arms tighten gently around Yuuri. She didn't ask for something so gruesome, so he tries to move on quickly.] Even when the teachers came, she couldn't stop crying, so--so I told her...

[He closes his eyes, remembering not the event itself, but Akane retelling it to him in a timeline he's not even sure is this one.]

"Don't cry. I'm gonna catch the person who did this."

[...]

That was the only thing that helped. Those words... brought back her smile.

[ She can't imagine how awful and spiteful someone would have to be to do something like that. Hurting animals is bad enough but to break in and terrorize a pair of children like that -- it makes her feel a little sick to consider it.

But then she gives the tiniest smile and reaches up with her free hand, feeling a little blindly, fingers trailing over his jaw until her hand comes to rest on his cheek, her thumb brushing it lightly. ]

... That sounds exactly like the sort of thing you'd do. [ Even back then, he was still so very Junpei, wasn't he? ] Did you manage it?

Well... sort of. Not at the time. The two of us, we snuck out and stayed there every night that summer vacation because we thought they might come back for the other animals, but they never showed up.

['Yeah, but the animals didn't get attacked either. I think all that work amounted to something, you know?'

He leans into Yuuri's hand.]

A little later on, though, I found some local junior high school kids torturing a stray cat. Turns out it was them.

Edited (I forgot they actually told him it was them, what idiots) 2017-06-26 00:25 (UTC)

Middle schoolers...

[ Not much older than Ruu, probably. She can hardly imagine it -- children can be cruel and thoughtless but it stuns her a little to imagine middle schoolers going that far. ]

So what did you do? Report them to someone?

[ There's a beat as she considers her own words and lets out a sigh that's almost a laugh. ]

No, no, I know exactly what happened. Did you go wading in with both fists swinging?

Someone had to save the cat!

[He's almost whining. Come on, cut him some slack, it was for a good cause! ...And maybe, just maybe, he's hoping it'll cheer her up a little.]

He was just a little guy, he never did anything to them. I threw him to Akane and she went to call the police, and... okay, yes, it did come to blows in the meantime, but they were assholes, can you blame me?

[ And it works -- mostly, anyway. The laugh she gives this time is a warmer one, a real one, even if it still comes out sounding like a real effort. ]

No, I don't blame you at all, I just... I was just thinking. It sounds so much like the exact kind of thing I'd expect you to do.

[ It's... reassuring, in a way. That, even as a tiny, scrappy little boy, that was still the kind of person Junpei was. ]

That was almost like... your first case then, wasn't it? Your first investigation.

Hm. Yeah.

[He started to say as much to Queenie the other day, didn't he? His first stakeout.]

Guess so. Though I'd like to think I got better at it since elementary school. ...Also better at fighting, though I'm afraid to ask Nishitani-san for his opinion on that front.

I'd bet on you in a fight. Maybe not against Nishitani-san, though.

[ Rabbits. He'd made a joke of it back then, like he thought Yuuri might laugh at him anyway so he might as well own the derision. But now she can't imagine anything less funny. ]

That's what you wanted to remember, then. The first time you solved a case.

...It's less about solving anything, really. I kind of stumbled over the answer by chance. But...

[His thumb strums idly down Yuuri's arm.]

That feeling... when I told Kanny I'd catch those assholes for her, and she stopped crying...

[Has he ever been anything else?]

A lot's happened since then. I--I've forgotten how it felt, then, more than once. But I think. I think that's the first time I ever felt... like I knew exactly what I had to do. And that I could do it. And that I was.

Have you ever felt like that?

[ "Me and Yuuri-chan decided on it. It'll be so much fun, I promise!"
"How could anything... be fun, ever again?"
"Because we're starting a club! All of us together. The School Living Club."
"... a... a club...?"

Yuuri lets out a long, slow breath. And then she nods. ]

... yes. Something like that, anyway.

Like everything just... clicks into place. And you feel silly for never even considering it before. That kind of thing?

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misanthropicprinciple - 2017-06-29 00:17 (UTC) - Expand