theairlock | Week 5

Awww, Pete, you know you can always drop by through the bathroom if you're feeling left out of the Blue Team cuddle pile.

[Fine, he might as well come over and slump next to Junpei. It's a slump kind of day. Kind of couple days.]

Figured I'd let you rest and recoup. And let your girlfriend take whatever time she needs.

Yeah. It's been... it's been rough.

[It's been rough since Thursday night. Junpei may not have been aware and able for some of it, but that doesn't mean he can't see it, can't feel it every time he looks at anyone who was at that trial. Can't tell that most people's memories were fucking shit.

After a dutiful pause such that they can both preserve the manly reluctance to talk about feelings, he asks:]

How are you doing?

You want the flippant answer or the actual answer?

[He'd felt a little better losing his shit at Ardyn at the party enough that he didn't even feel embarrassed about the spectacle. But that was before the memories.] I'm keeping it together. More or less.

...Feels like less lately.

You said you'd keep me in the loop.

[It's not a reproach, but an invitation. If Church is looking after Ardyn, then someone's gotta look after Church. It isn't even about picking and choosing the people they'll care for anymore; no absence would not also be loss, now.

But also, Junpei would care a lot about Church, anyway.]

Yeah. Yeah, I--

[Hnnnnngh talking about things is such a foreign concept to the Reds and Blues who are a bunch of dudes that don't do feelings. Feelings are for girls! They are the enemy.]

I've been trying to keep it together and not start screaming and yelling every time some fucking bullshit happens, in trials especially. Cuz nobody needs that. It doesn't help. Ardyn asked me to. And then the whole last week happened, and I've been trying--I lead my team, yeah, but this is a whole different ballgame. Running the fuck around, trying to make sure everyone's okay and not like killing themselves accidentally on powers. You know how weird it was to see Ardyn emoting that hard? And eating? And sleeping? I didn't know it could be that weird to see someone sleep like they're supposed to. I think I--I guess I--I was just dreading when it switched back. I know it's still him either way, just...he was...

And you at least seemed to have it mostly under control, but that still must have massively sucked in hindsight, and everyone was just trying to stay alive and I don't even have anything, Heart got my powers, and so I don't even get to--i-it wasn't bad for me, just...exhausting.

[This just scratches the surface, and he already feels awkward saying this much, and normally he doesn't care if he rambles because he talks, it's a thing he does. But Church picks at a hem on his dumb outfit and stays quiet for a little while.

It's already quiet here, and even he can tell it's not super kosher to raise his voice here. But he gets quieter.]

Were you actually dead?

[The pain has dulled. The sense-memory of Ardyn's powers--of Ardyn's powerlessness to feel feelings--has not. Junpei touches his chest briefly, where he'll probably scar, and shakes his head.]

I don't, uh. I don't think so. ...I think I'd remember that.

[He rubs the back of his neck.]

It's the kind of thing that tends to stick in the memory.

[It's a weird, achy sort of relief, having so much of his horseshit life out in the open. Freeing, not to have to watch what he says quite so keenly.]

I'm sorry you got stuck watching us. Both of us. ...Sorry you got stuck being the normie so you can't even complain. I mean... you're usually so good at complaining.

[After a moment, he nudges Church with his elbow.]

Sorry I couldn't help more.

Hey, we made a pact. Blue Team represent. You helped. You were angrier and muted, but you were still you. We even figured out his bullshit. Put our stupid clever heads together.

[He sighs out quick and kind of frustrated. Expressing honest feelings with words instead of near-incoherent angry screeching is so new.] You have no idea how relieved I was when you were clearly not dead. ...Maybe you do, though, I dunno. Just--it uh. It wouldn't have been pretty if you had. From either of us. God forbid Yuuri, too.

You're like my best friend here. You'd get along with a guy from home. Probably. It felt like that. Like I'd lost--

PAL keeps manipulating all this. We don't have any control. It could be any of us next, for some manufactured bullshit reason. Mary didn't have her senses, Roland didn't have control, and Takumi didn't have a choice. We keep talking about how we're going to fight back, that we'll come up with something. And we're not any closer now than we were last week, or the week before.

I didn't want to do this, at first. We have enough people that spend their time crushing their feelings down so that they can be there for other people, and I was just gonna let them do that, because me, I scream and yell and curse and kick things. I was gonna have a nice vacation in a Bachelor mansion until I got out. But I'm doing it now. I'm doing this thing that I keep getting on everyone else's case for, because I have to help. I can't just do nothing. But I also can't do anything.

Fuck. [He punctuates the word by thumping his head back against the wall.]

...Jesus, Church.

[With a grunt, Junpei gets back up and sticks a hand out for Church, healing injuries or not.]

If you know you're doing the thing, stop fucking doing it, dumbass. Come on. We're going to the garden and we're going to shout and kick things and say bad words and nobody's going to feel bad about it, because if it's both of us, then it's just guys being dudes.

You can't be on all the time, man, not even--especially not in a situation like this. Seriously. Take it from me. If I told you half of the shitty jokes I told myself when I thought I was going to drown in the goddamn Titanic...

[He shakes his head.]

Anyway. Come on. I have two glitter cannons, plenty of refills, and more targets than God.

...[He opens his mouth, closes it again, struggling on what he should say here, what to do.]

Sounds like a good time.

[He grasps Junpei's hand, gets to his feet, but doesn't move forward.]

I didn't say at the meeting. It doesn't--it's not relevant to anything. I, um, I think my girlfriend's dead.

Ex. Ish. And dead-dead. It--she--she's kind of like me. She's like me. She died at some point, and she can be a ghost, but she's way better at not dying than I am, and shit happened, and she got on a ship, and it was about to leave, and I don't know what happens to a ghost when a ship in atmo mid-flight or slipstream or whatever explodes and probably obliterates any body she could've jumped into, but I'm guessing it's not good.

...It's just better to think she's dead, because I'm never gonna see her again. She never intended for it. I...am really pretty sure of that.

...So that's a thing I remembered. Just...so that's out there. To you. In the loop.

['She's like me.'

It doesn't matter if Church's girlfriend is his girlfriend or his ex. She's like me is all Junpei needs to hear to understand, to feel the emptiness beneath all the words Church stupidly offers up to try to convey it.

His hand's still hovering near Church's arm. It moves up; it hovers.]

Jesus, Church.

[Come on in, man, we're going for the bro hug.

Junpei's smaller than Church, smaller and weaker than Ardyn or Kip or anyone else Church might go to for a hug--even some of the girls--but he's warm and solid and alive.]

Nobody's here, dude. It's just me. No cameras, no Kip, no Kingsglaive... and if you even think about trying to, to what, crush down your feelings for my sake? I'm gonna... I don't know. Replace your shampoo with gelatin, because I'm working with limited means, here.

[He pats Church's back, then wraps both arms around him again. Did I say Junpei was weak? Because he's not. He's just human.]

Just... just power down for a second, bro. When it's like that, and they leave... it's--it's the worst.

[Tall or small, buff or noodle, cold as the fucking grave or running hot, it doesn't matter, Church is good for hugs. Which he thinks Caboose and Tucker would find hysterical.

Well, no, maybe not Tucker. Piggyback rides, man. The broest way to travel.

It's just--it's just nice to have all this affection, for one, and attention, for two, and physicality, for three. It makes him feel grounded. It makes him feel alive.

It helps with the emptiness. With the cold and hollow feeling that the best thing he ever had in his life is gone with a word. That she let herself get talked into the stupid prophecy nonsense, and she doesn't really do getting talked into things, which means she might already have had doubts about killing Omega, maybe thought about using him instead even though Omega was the problem. Freelancer changed her. She was different. She was worse. Rotten and mean as hell and...still as beautiful and amazing as she ever had been, but not for marriage. It just...wasn't going to work. There's so much about them that just wasn't going to work. Living without her was hard. Living with her killing the Sidewinder team was hard. Warning Tucker not to call for help had been easy, because her being around would complicate everything.

Goodbye.

He gets the feeling that he hates that word as much as she does.

He'd cried in the room, let it out because it was the cherry on top of everything else, and he hadn't let himself back then, hadn't felt anything but the numbness. To just power down and being told it's okay because he's not going to embarrass himself, that feeling it and letting it be felt, something other than SCREAMING ANGER AND FRUSTRATION ringing in his throat, wasn't going to make Junpei think any fucking less of him...

Church holds on tight. He refuses to put much physical weight on him for the injury, just in case, but god he wants to just lean on him and be carried for once.]

I'd really like a win. For fucking once.

Yeah.

[Church holds on tight and Junpei holds on tighter, because he may be healing but he's always as strong as he needs to be; whatever Church needs from him right now, he's going to bring it. Isn't that what he remembered, this Sunday? That no matter what, he can always find a way to do what has to be done. However many times it takes to get it right.

Akane... isn't the only one who does what she must to accomplish her goals.

He rubs Church's big, stupid back and hates, a little bit, the jerk girlfriend who could leave him there like that. Who could take off and die in some glorious explosion like a hero--who'd will nothing to Church but the idea that she never intended to see him again.

What a bitch. Junpei sighs and rests his head against Church's shoulder. His robot now, assholes.]

We win by staying alive, Church. I'll... I'll make sure you get that win. Whatever it takes.

[He has never done anything less.]

Which means I'm not going anywhere. And you're not the only one working on this. Cool?

God, if you bite it, I am going to kick your ass with my ghost. My ghost will find you in the fucking afterlife, and you'll regret ever thinking you could get away from me that easily. [He laughs about it, though it's heavy and thick.] I mean it, motherfucker, no dying. Blue solidarity, we gotta get out altogether.

Come on. I only die in bad timelines, man.

[He thumps Church's back and rubs between his shoulder blades. He's here. He's not going anywhere.]

I'm not going to let this be one.

Time travel is bullshit. [Listen...is he wrong? He's not wrong.

He stands up straighter, pulling himself away just a little.] There's one more thing.

One more thing, just for...the knowledge. So you know. And I get it off my fucking chest.

We're gonna help Ardyn. I know. However we can. Cure him or help him cope or find somewhere for him, but--

[He bites his lip and takes a breath, because he needs to really really not fuck up words for just two whole seconds.] We need to be prepared for the possibility that he doesn't want that.

[Ah, yes. Junpei doesn't even have to nod. It's a resolution he's made himself, and his gaze as he watches Church's face is direct and steady.

Of course they're going to help Ardyn. They were never not going to.]

What's our plan if he doesn't?

Try and talk him down from taking a whole world with him, I guess.

And if it's too late? If it's already done?

Then I guess it doesn't really matter at that point, huh?

Or do you mean...if he's one of those people who's already dead in their world?

[He shrugs and shakes his head.]

Either. Both. ...I guess it's kind of the same result either way.

[He meets Church's eyes.]

He goes with you. Right?

If...if he wants to. It's not like we can make him do something if he doesn't want, but assuming he doesn't want to fucking--

Yeah. He comes with me. So the fuck do you, by the way.

Uh, aren't you guys in a war? I'm not exactly gonna be a lot of help in a situation like that...

Aren't you in an apocalypse?

Uhh, unclear. You know. Timelines.

[Save him.]

Are you really gonna tell me you want to go back and take that chance? We'll get you guys kitted out with some spare armor if we can dig some up, maybe forge some credentials, do you really think this army's got it shit together well enough to notice two more names that weren't there before?

Rhetorical question, the answer is no.

Week 5

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)