theairlock | Week 5

[He opens his mouth to confirm, because yeah, what has made sense around here lately? But then he thinks about his other memories and realization hits: Something is definitely weird.

He sits up all the way, brushing his hair back from his forehead, then shakes his head at Yuuri, frowning a little.]

'Makes no sense' is an understatement, at this point.

[He leans back against the pillows and then opens his arm to her, a little shy, because it's one thing to cling together in sleep and somehow another to hold to each other in the morning.]

Do you want to talk about it? I--I have to think about mine some more before I can even guess at what it means.

[ She's not really sure she does want to talk about this at first. She's starting to get some very sinking suspicions and she's scared that if she actually voices any of them it'll make them true.

But what good is going to come from just sitting on it and driving herself insane with the possibilities?

So finally, she nods. ]

I... think it might help.

[ She settles back down and curls up against him, head against his shoulder. It's enough to ground her, at least for now.

For a long moment, she's quiet, trying to work out where to start. Then, eventually, in a hesitant voice: ]

Do... you know the little bear I got in the dumbwaiter a while ago? With the bow tie and the moustache. [ she laughs a little nervously, realising what a non-sequiter that is ] It's relevant, I promise.

Uh, yeah. I remember him. Handsome little guy.

[He doesn't sound like he thinks she's dodging the question. Far be it from Junpei to ignore a significant stuffed animal, when Nari's got a little doll in her room that he'd find awfully familiar.

He strokes Yuuri's hair absently, half to comfort her, half to distract himself, all soft smoothness against his fingertips.]

He was in your dream? Or your... memory, I guess.

Mmm. Or... "she" was, I think. The last two were all about her. "Ruu".

[ Just saying the name stirs something bittersweet in her chest, an baseless ache she can't understand. It's like a longing for something long since gone, the nostalgia for a recurring dream you only remember bits and pieces of. ]

The first time, I was in one of the other shelters instead of our school. It was a university that'd been built in the same way -- solar panels, its own water filtration... somewhere else for people to stay. I was thanking this girl for something and I asked her if she'd take care of "Ruu". If she'd be friends with her. And then I gave her the bear.

[ she goes into a troubled silence. it's one thing to talk about remembering all this and another to try and convey how it really felt. ]

It felt like... I was giving up a part of myself. Giving Ruu to that girl felt like... I don't know. It felt like whatever I imagine saying goodbye to all of you might feel like, if it ever happens. Like my heart was being torn out, even if I felt like it was for the best. And I... I don't understand why. It's just a bear, isn't it? That's what I thought last week, anyway.

[Her hair is so long. He brushes it back behind her ear, loses his fingers in the long, silky pool of it.]

People get attached, under duress...

[He thinks of an old, stiff-legged dog waddling his way out of the lounge vent, how happy Akane had been to see him. How happy he'd been, even though they were trapped, even though all that lay before them was starving to death while they waited for Carlos to come back for them. What it meant just not to be alone.

But it seems like Yuuri's concerned about something else, as well. There's another shoe yet to drop.]

But now you think it's something else.

[ Another little hum. She shifts slightly, nuzzling her face against his shoulder so she can say all this without having to meet his gaze. If this really what she fears it is, she doesn't want to see the look in his eyes when she tells him. ]

Last night... we were back in that university. I don't know if it was before or after, but I had the bear with me again. Ruu. We were running from... people, I think. Living ones.

[ an important clarification. ]

Miki-san got caught by someone. They were holding an ice pick to her neck and she told me to run. I should've thrown the bear away and helped her, shouldn't I? But I didn't. I just held onto it tighter and ran away. Like it was more important than a real, living person.

I hid... in the basement, I think. Or a classroom. It's all a blur. But I remember I was so tired and I was so sure I was safe... I think I fell asleep. I dreamed something.

[ she gives a flat, humourless laugh. ]

Isn't that weird? Dreaming something when I'm already having a dream?

[An ice pick to her neck. Junpei remembers a knife at Clover's throat, a gun to Akane's temple, and thinks, no, there's nothing she could have done--that if this Miki girl told her to run, that was for the best. One person the enemy couldn't leverage. One person out of their line of sight, that they would have to worry about.

But that's not really what Yuuri's asking. She's asking about the bear. Asking not whether or not she was smart, but if she's a bad person for a decision neither of them fully understand.

He can't answer that question, not yet, so he keeps his arm curled around her back and his other hand stroking her hair and shakes his head at the latter one.]

Not really. Not if... these are memories, rather than dreams.

[He thinks back to his, thinks about the strange continuity--the impossibly disjointed yet somehow consistent events--within his own Sunday morning trilogy. After a moment, he kisses her hair. They could both use the comfort.]

Your dream--the one inside your memory. Did it clarify anything?

[ That's a much harder question to answer. And for a minute, she doesn't. She lifts her hand and lays it gently on his side, as if reassuring him that yes, she's still awake. She just needs to take a moment before she can bring herself to speak. ]

... It was so... vivid. It was summer -- I could tell because I was wearing my hair in a ponytail and the air was so thick and heavy. You know how it feels on humid days? And... we were walking to school. Me and...

[ She can't say it. Not yet, anyway. ]

... a little girl. She was a grade schooler... probably not any older than nine or ten. We were holding hands and laughing and... I don't know her. But I feel like I should. Like I'm forgetting something important.

[ She doesn't want to talk about this. But it feels like poison -- if she doesn't get it out, it's going to drive her insane. ]

She... the wind blew her hat away and she went running after it. So I went after her, calling out for her to come back.

... I called her "Ruu".

[Oh.

Oh.

He's had enough weird dreams in his life not to make much of a girl Yuuri doesn't know but dreamed she did. But more than that, he's had enough memories--enough memories of lives he didn't have, lives he only could have, if he'd opened a different door--that her story raises goosebumps along his arms.

Yuuri's not like him. She can't remember any history other than her own. But the human mind is so malleable.]

You think...

[He rubs her arm to ground her as he puts what he thinks she's dancing around into words.]

You're afraid you've forgotten something. Someone. And the bear... is standing in for that person in your memories.

Yes.

[ She doesn't even bother trying to keep the frustration out of her voice. ]

And... I don't even know how much of that is something they did to me here or if it's something I... if it's something that happened to me before all this.

I don't even remember enough about her to work out who she was. I just know she was so important and so small and-- and I had to protect her. And I couldn't even do that.

When we ran away again, we got caught. They pulled me up, like it was just me they needed and this girl... kicked the bear. Stamped on it. If... if that bear was really Ruu, then...

[ she doesn't really have to say it, does she? ]

[No.

They're already holding each other, but Junpei gathers Yuuri up into him, tucking her into his arms and shoulder so that whatever, wherever this hellhole takes her, she'll be safe. So she won't have to face that alone.]

Rii-san...

[Rii-san. Who could do that to her? Who could look at this kind, beautiful person and want to hurt her, to make her afraid and helpless?]

Jesus, Rii-san. What the hell. Why would... you don't deserve that.

[ Yuuri clings onto him, burrows against him like she can find safety from anything in his arms. It certainly feels that way, even if she knows that ultimately she can't be protected from whatever else might be lurking in her memories. It's enough to sooth her, steady her and she tells herself that, for now, it'll have to be her solution. ]

I don't know. Or if I do, then I don't even remember. There must've been some reason but...

[ She trails off into silence. It seems for a moment like she's done talking but then she speaks up again in a voice of equal parts anger and bitter, bitter exhaustion: ]

I hate this. I hate not being able to trust myself like this.

[He holds her tightly, his hand curving against the back of her head and cradling it against him, full to bursting with the need to preserve this precious, vital, broken person.]

I trust you.

[With his other hand, he rubs her back, smooth, slow motions and the warmth of his palm. Junpei doesn't trust people, not hardly. But he trusts Yuuri, believes in her, even as shattered and warped as she finds herself to be.

He presses his lips together for a moment, then gently asks:]

Can I point something out? About--about what you remember happening to the bear. I don't know if it will help, but... I think it's something you should know.

[ She sniffs. Getting it all out... helped, she thinks. It's a wonder to her now how she'd ever coped or even held herself together back in the School Living Club. She'd been so full of poison that it shocks her now to think that she hadn't somehow just dropped dead of holding it all in her chest for so long.

But it's okay. Junpei... trusts her. The others do, too. No one here thinks any less of her for being weak or in pain. She doesn't have to pretend it isn't happening anymore. ]

I, um... if you think it might help... you can go ahead. I don't mind.

You said they put a pick to your friend's neck and threatened you. And they tried to capture you alive. It seems like... probably they didn't want to kill you, even if their intent was to get something out of you.

[He is never, ever, ever going to let her go. Never going to let anyone take her and do things to her like that again.]

If they wanted people alive, then... I don't think... they killed someone in front of you. Not like that, with the bear.

[ What he's saying sounds so reasonable that Yuuri wants to latch onto it without a second thought. He's a detective, isn't he? It makes sense he'd know what he's talking about. She wants to be told that she's being silly and there's nothing to worry about.

And... when she thinks about it, she wonders if he's right. That girl -- Ayaka, hadn't that been her name? -- was cruel and petty. Vindictive. But there was an ice-cold practicality to her under all that scorn. She had wanted Yuuri and Miki alive. What good would it have done her to spill blood just as she'd gotten what she wanted?

Some of the tension seems to drain out of her and she relaxes a little in his arms. ]

... I... I think... if they'd wanted to get something from us... wouldn't killing someone who was with us... that'd just make us angrier, wouldn't it? Less likely to do what she wanted. B--but... if she had someone as... as a hostage, maybe...

[ See? Doesn't it sound so reasonable, and just a little less traumatizing like that? ]

Particularly a child. One you care about. I... hate it to say it like this, but that's very good leverage.

[He can't help but think of Snake and Clover. Of how Zero used Clover to secure Snake's silence; to make their revenge against the Nonary Project possible.]

People in positions of power hold onto that power as tightly as possible. So...

[So if the bear was just a bear, then Rii-san left her friend behind to protect it. That's worrying, and worried is the last thing she needs to be right now.]

At the very least, yeah, destroying that advantage wouldn't be a very good move for her.

[ There's a chance, then. There's a chance that this bright-faced girl with her oversized summer hat just might be okay. Yuuri doesn't know who she is but her heart aches at the thought of any harm coming to her. This 'Ruu' girl, whoever she might be.

But if he's right... and if Ayaka really, truly believed she needed a hostage... ]

She'd... keep her, I think. So I'd know the whole time we were there that she had something over me. Killing Ruu wouldn't do any good.

[ I'll never forgive you. she'd hissed at Ayaka. She's never heard or felt so much venom in her own voice before then. If that woman had really and truly hurt the girl Yuuri had decided she was protecting then she doesn't think anything could have stopped her from getting to Ayaka and making her pay.

She sniffs again. ]

... thank you. I'm sorry I...

[ Sorry for what? Even Yuuri's not sure how that sentence was supposed to end. So she just shakes her head and gives a little sigh. ]

Is it... alright if we stay here for a little while? I don't know if I want to try and face everyone just yet.

[He drops a gentle kiss to her forehead.]

Of course. As long as you like.

[After a moment, he pulls away from her--just for a moment!--to crawl past her, lean over the edge of the bed, and reach for something underneath. When he comes back up, he's holding--a box of Bearies.

Which might be kind of bad taste, given her memory, but this is all he's got ready to eat on hand.

He settles into the pillows again, box in his lap, and puts his arm back where it belongs. Around her.]

How about that? We don't even need to leave the cave until, like. Lunch. [He tries a small smile.] Bachelor snack-stashing practices save the day again.

[ Bearies.

You know. Maybe she should take offense. Maybe they're literally in poor taste. But when he settles back in next to her, all Yuuri can do is laugh. It sounds strange to hear it coming out of herself and she presses a hand to her mouth to try and get it back under control.

When she manages to compose herself her expression settles into a warm, fond smile. Everyone on the Fantasy Sweet has saved her in their own way. But she doesn't want to even imagine where she'd be without Junpei. ]

Yes. That sounds perfect.

[ She closes her eyes, huddles against him and lets out a long, slow sigh. It's alright. Maybe it won't be alright when she gets up. It definitely won't be alright when Friday comes around again. But here and now she feels safe. Happy. That's more than she could ask for. ]

Week 5

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