welcome to the mansion

[airlockedmods]

[The Champions wake up not in a bed, but alone on a plush, velvet seat. Some may recognize the backseat of a limousine, while some may not, but the windows are tinted black inside and out, and there's no chauffeur. All are wearing expensive formalwear, no matter what they thought they were wearing before.

The door opens by an unseen hand and reveals a gravel drive with a red carpet and a lavish fountain. Others are already there, and more limousines continue to pull up afterward. The front doors are locked, and overhead curls a large protective glass dome, keeping the cold void of space at bay, but hey, there's also an unparalleled view of the stars.]

Hey there, Champions, welcome to the IGS Fantasy Sweet. I'm PAL, your onboard maintenance system for this location. Your Overseer will arrive shortly. Please be patient.

Comments

[scourgingstars]

[you are using several words he's not sure he follows, but you know what, he's going to humor you.]

I've not the faintest of ideas. This is certainly less fanfare than I often find myself greeted with, and yet at once it's far more than necessary. Whoever is responsible seems to either have an abundance of time or perhaps a very strange delusion and enough power to play into it.

[motherfucking_ghost]

[Wow. Them's some fancy words from a fancy accent. And a fancy face with hair that would be fancy if he combed it down a little more.] Meh, we're here, this place is fancy--wow, look at that view, someone paid big bucks for this, especially to get limos all the way here--and this suit is probably worth more than I...used to make in a year.

Odds are it's both. Also, filthy rich.

[scourgingstars]

[pardon you, his hair is perfect just the way it...okay no i can't even write that with a straight face]

I find that a reasonable leap of logic, yes. So the question of 'why' is the one I have to put forth, rather than the specifics of 'how'. If this is a kidnapping attempt, it is by far the most elaborate I've seen. Not to mention absurdly bold, to say the least.

[motherfucking_ghost]

[If you like the perpetually windblown hathair look, SURE...]

I dunno, I think 'how' is pretty damn important, as in 'how did this happen'. Wait--you think everyone got kidnapped? Like...everyone? [jerking a thumb over his shoulder at 'everyone' who's here so far]

[scourgingstars]

...Is there another possibility? That seems a reasonable assumption to me, as this is neither where I was a moment ago nor do I have any recollection of traveling here willingly. What other term would one use for such a predicament?

[motherfucking_ghost]

[Okay, maybe he can drop his dumb pretense then. If everyone else is in the same boat, the HMS What The Fuck.]

Seems...like a weird mish-mash of people. I feel like if I was gonna get kidnapped, I'd at least see someone else familiar. Maybe someone here's in on it, though? Could be they'd lie about it, though, hmmm...

[He snaps his fingers.] Wait! These things! [PIP scrolling ahoy.] I think I saw like little Tinder-esque profiles of people on here. I didn't really read through it all. Yet.

[scourgingstars]

Were that the case, I've no doubt simply asking would yield no results.

[in other words, yes, anyone with half a braincell would lie through their teeth.]

There are, but I would take care not to believe them. They seem to be full of wildly inaccurate information at best and outright nonsense at worst.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Yeah? [Shiteating grin goes here.] Why, what's it say about you? [Let's just find out!

...Huh. Uh-huh. Oooookay.]

Wow. That, uh. That sure reads like baby's first edgy demon character. Oof. What's a Starscourge?

[scourgingstars]

[r u d e]

You've not heard of it? [...or him, for that matter. that's different.] The Starscourge is a terrible parasitic plague, which turns humans and animals alike into twisted daemons with no chance of recovery or salvation.

I do not, for the record, 'like' it in the slightest. My role is to keep such a thing from spreading and eradicate it from the world entirely.

...My name is Ardyn Lucis Caelum, for the record. 'Izunia' is my brother's name, so it's quite clear that whoever wrote this is either a babbling madman or merely terrible at checking their information.

[motherfucking_ghost]

It kinda says that, though--as trivia. You were gonna be king or something? Damn, dude. Did something happen? [church don't ask questions you're not prepared for the answer for]

Makes me wonder if it's got me...oh, hey, yeah--man is that what my face looks like? I-- [--go quiet, which is. unusual. for Church. Blank surprise first, then opening his mouth like he's going to argue with his own arm, then a mighty squint at the screen.]

Yeah, this thing is filled with bullshit. Someone didn't test it for bugs. Or got it off the dumbest, wrongest wikipedia page ever.

[scourgingstars]

Then why on Eos would they list two separate names? I have only the name given to me at birth, as does my younger brother. One would think that if they were to abduct the reigning Lucian king, they might at least have their information correct. And as to your question, no. I'd not received word of anything unusual happening in the capital or elsewhere before I found myself here.

[Ardyn sighed in irritation, shaking his head.]

[...Did Church actually not know what his face looked like, or was this another example of that peculiar way of speaking he seemed to be dealing with? Perhaps it was better to question one thing at a time and leave that for later.]

As I said, it's utterly absurd. I do hope this isn't meant to be taken seriously, as it's doing a terrible job of that.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Waaait wait wait--you're actually king? Literally and legitimately a king? And you just got king-napped from whatever city or colony you were ruling?

That takes balls. Someone's gonna hear about a ransom at this rate.

[scourgingstars]

King of the Lucian nation, yes. [said as though that is really no big deal whatsoever, because does this LOOK like a guy who gives a damn about ceremony and formality]

As I said--an absurdly bold kidnapping attempt. Impressively so, if I am to be frank about my feelings on the matter. The Crownsguard is likely to be in quite a state once word of this gets out.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Yeah, you'll have to execute them all for being shitty enough to let their king get nabbed under their noses. And then there's training a new set of guards, and it's just a hassle.

[scourgingstars]

Execution is going a bit far in this case; mistakes do happen on rare occasion, and it is far from easy to find Crownsguard-quality soldiers.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Still, has anything like that ever happened before? These people must be really damn good

[scourgingstars]

Not to my knowledge, though I admit the royal family has only been established recently. We currently lack enemies with the power sufficient for something like a kidnapping attempt. In addition to that, the line of Lucis does have...shall we say, our own line of defense apart from the Crownsguard.

In short, this entire situation should be impossible. Yet here we are, and particularly here I am all the same.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Yeah, that doesn't sound magically ominous or anything... [What? ~our own line of defense~ come on, King Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Way.]

So until this guy shows up, or...girl, or person, or whatever, all we know is: [he ticks them off on his fingers] Obscenely rich, obscenely powerful, and on some kind of fucked up power trip. Super.

[scourgingstars]

[look if he starts explaining you're in for a lucian history lesson and not even ardyn wants to deal with that right now, gosh]

All the makings of the worst sort of dangerous tyrant.

[motherfucking_ghost]

...I mean, guess you'd know. The dangers of being a tyrant. Cuz like, you start doing tyrant-y things, then that's when revolutions happen, and before you know it, there goes your head.

[scourgingstars]

[That actually got a slight laugh out of him. Good job, Church.]

I do try to avoid that sort of thing. A monarch is only as good as his people believe him to be.

[motherfucking_ghost]

[He lives to entertain. He usually dies to entertain, too, but that breaks the 4th wall.]

Ha, nice caveat, believe him to be. Leaves you some wiggle room.

[scourgingstars]

No one is without flaw, not even a king. The best that we should hope for is to be one valued by those which we govern. Is that so terrible?

[motherfucking_ghost]

Like I said, beats getting your neck stretched out on the chopping block.

[scourgingstars]

I do hope to avoid that. I'm only the second in the line, so that would be a terrible omen for my brother's descendants.