...I did. I trusted you all so much. I isolated myself, but... I needed some time to think. Some time to be sad and mourn. I... Did something similar when Mikaela died, only I didn't have any doors to lock. When I was back home, I mean. And similarly... Lord Keel picked me back up and helped me endure. I checked when I was sure people weren't looking--took the letters and what I was left with. I never did thank you for that doll.
[ She'll kneel now, looking once more to Mikaela's memorial. With her memory completely back, she thinks she's a little stronger. Those days with Mikaela, when she had to talk in the convent, seem so distant now--Mikaela had been planted not long ago by her memory. ]
...Back home, when she died, I kept thinking that it should have been me. Because I survived in the wake of her death. If no one else had been there... Well... I can only imagine how much worse it would have been for Queenie, to be isolated in this place, watching us die for her... I'm not... Nearly as good or hopeful as I seem, Father. I've just gotten very good at seeming like it. I can endure hatred, or anger. I endured it for much longer. The guilt... Would be with me forever, but I carry enough guilt with me, that what was a little more? I already bear the guilt of Ayn dying for me--I knew he would, no matter how much I tried to get him to run to safety. Maybe... It's naive... To have that much faith in other people to catch me. But I trusted you all... To not let me isolate myself forever, to help pull me up even if you couldn't forgive me.
I understand you may not see it that way. I won't take that from you, and I am sorry I took that choice at the ceremony. I just... I couldn't leave Queenie to that fate. Not when I know how awful it is to lose someone you love, but to then find out she took his life and couldn't remember, and then potentially damning us all... I won't ask for forgiveness. I don't have that right. Not from this. I made my choice, and I must live with it.
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[ She'll kneel now, looking once more to Mikaela's memorial. With her memory completely back, she thinks she's a little stronger. Those days with Mikaela, when she had to talk in the convent, seem so distant now--Mikaela had been planted not long ago by her memory. ]
...Back home, when she died, I kept thinking that it should have been me. Because I survived in the wake of her death. If no one else had been there... Well... I can only imagine how much worse it would have been for Queenie, to be isolated in this place, watching us die for her... I'm not... Nearly as good or hopeful as I seem, Father. I've just gotten very good at seeming like it. I can endure hatred, or anger. I endured it for much longer. The guilt... Would be with me forever, but I carry enough guilt with me, that what was a little more? I already bear the guilt of Ayn dying for me--I knew he would, no matter how much I tried to get him to run to safety. Maybe... It's naive... To have that much faith in other people to catch me. But I trusted you all... To not let me isolate myself forever, to help pull me up even if you couldn't forgive me.
I understand you may not see it that way. I won't take that from you, and I am sorry I took that choice at the ceremony. I just... I couldn't leave Queenie to that fate. Not when I know how awful it is to lose someone you love, but to then find out she took his life and couldn't remember, and then potentially damning us all... I won't ask for forgiveness. I don't have that right. Not from this. I made my choice, and I must live with it.