Onward, Into Darkness

[cyan_maid]

[Around dinnertime, when everyone has gone to their rooms and had their time to think about the day, a note is slipped underneath your door. It reads:

I've made soup for everyone tonight.
It would be a kindness if you were to come to the cafeteria and partake.
- Jane

And, true to the letter, when you enter the cafeteria, you're hit with the distinct smell of pumpkin. There's a large covered pot on one of the tables filled to the brim with a sweet pumpkin soup full of carrots and sweet potatoes, a ladle beside the pot, and a stack of bowls and spoons. There's even enough cutlery for Bolton and Jamie to come, if they want to show up - Jane is, if anything, an excellent host. Please help yourself! There's plenty more! is on a folded bit of paper beside the pot, but where is Jane?

Well, the kitchen door is propped open, and she's very diligently working on scraping out the remains of a huge, tasty pumpkin and setting the seeds aside. She sniffs every once in a while, and her face is a blotchy mess, but she's still going. Having something to do seems to keep her from diving too deeply into despair.

Just...don't let her, or yourselves, be distracted forever.]

Comments

How about after?

[cyan_maid]

[Then someone's going to knock on his door once it's over.]

...Mister Xander?

[It's Jane. Her voice is weak, tired, but she won't let someone skip a meal on her watch.]

Can I come in please? I...brought you something to eat.

[kingshaming]

[It's quiet for too long. Long enough to be terrifying. Before finally- thick with a stutter that seems too heavy and innate to just be from tears]

I...w-would rather not, Jane.

[Like all true true Nohrians we hide our grief, our pain and our screams alone in the dark]

[cyan_maid]

...

[There's a quiet thunk of forehead resting on door.]

I'll stand out here all night with this bowl of soup and it will go cold, and you'll be hungry. And then I'll fall asleep out here and get in trouble for it. [It's the only threat she can make.] At least...take the bowl. Please.

[kingshaming]

...

[The door cracks open. There's no light. He might have been sleeping, but unlikely]

I'm sorry, m-m-

[He stops and swallows, as if a ball of something is lodged in his throat. ]

my demands are causing you to suffer even more. Please don't worry about me.

[cyan_maid]

[She looks sternly up into the darkness, into his face. Her eyes are bright with pain, her mouth set.]

It's too late for that. [She holds the bowl out like a peace offering. There's even a spoon in there.]

[kingshaming]

[He takes it like the bowl is a newly hatched bird or an unweaned kitten- like his clumsy hands could crush it on accident]

... has everyone else retired for the night?

[cyan_maid]

[The bowl isn't too too hot. Seems like the soup's cooled enough for anyone to eat it without burning their mouth.]

More or less. I...

[She's exhausted.]

I don't know if I can sleep tonight.

[kingshaming]

[He doesn't say anything at first... then leans into the room light, turning it on then stepping back inside.

The door is open, if you want it Jane]

[cyan_maid]

...

[She'll look at him for a long moment before coming in. It's only to make sure he actually eats, she tells herself. We're not having another trial in three days only to find out Xander starved himself.

Where can she sit that's okay]

[kingshaming]

[There's his desk free, and he sits on his bed. There's a swath of blue and white... cloth or something on the foot of his bed. A careful eye might recognize it as what's left of the silly giant fish inflatable he got a few weeks before.

He looks down at the soup in his hands and eventually sips at it. Victory.]

[cyan_maid]

[Then she will have sits there, hugging the back of the chair and staring dully at the deflated fish. I can't believe it's dead.

Victory indeed. We have prevented a death. Jane lets out a little breath.]

...Back home, I. I could bring the dead back to life. I didn't remember until Sunday. And...I tried to do that for...[She shakes her head.] I must've made a fool of myself, I'm sorry.

[kingshaming]

I suspected you were attempting some form of healing. It would be more foolish to not try...

[cyan_maid]

...I wish I'd known from the start. But I...can't change that. I can't change anything.

[Not with the PIP on, at least. She takes a breath, puffs it out. We're not here to give Xander the "I'm a turd of a person" talk after all.]

I didn't want to find out this way.

[kingshaming]

I'm sorry you had to see her like that... some things can't be unseen. But do not think for a moment you have any blame in this. You didn't not alter your own memories or put the PIP into your arm.

[cyan_maid]

...I know.

[She turns her head to the side.] It's fine. I. I've actually died three times already at home. I've seen a friend kiss the decapitated head of another friend. I've seen...things here. I can...I'll be stronger. I will. I-I won't collapse again.

[She says it more to reassure herself than Xander.]

[kingshaming]

I have faith in you... though I am in no position to judge anyone for falling apart.

[cyan_maid]

[...No please, don't have faith in her, she doesn't have faith in herself.]

...We're all here for you, too, Mister Xander. If you need anything. Even if you just...if you want to stay alone for a long while, we'll be here. Though, if that's the case, you're going to have to put up with me checking on you.

[That's a fact of life.]

[kingshaming]

I don't mind your care, Jane. I will recover- this isn't the...

This isn't the first time.

[cyan_maid]

...

[Scoots the chair a little closer. Scoot, scoot.]

Did you have someone to look after you then?

[kingshaming]

[He opens his mouth, ponders, then closes it. He supposes his family was there for him during the many deaths of friends and loved ones. But that was different- Camilla was very mothering, but never to him. He was the elder, that wouldn't be appropriate and he'd never allowed it. To show weakness to those that depended on him would only be hurting them. The fact that he was doing so NOW went against everything he believed in- he was just too tired to fight it anymore.]

...not since my mother, I suppose.

[cyan_maid]

Oh...mm.

[She leans on the back of the chair a bit.]

Well...I guess I'll do my best to match up. I'll bet she was great at it.

[No questions asked, just. She'll do it. If it keeps her from thinking about herself, and it helps someone, then it's what she has to do.]

[kingshaming]

[Her words are too familiar, and now that she's scooted closer he can reach over and clasp her shoulder]

Just... don't become like me, Jane. Don't get into spitting range of thirty when you realize you've lived so much for others that you've left nothing for yourself.

[cyan_maid]

[The words are a little startling, as is the hand on her shoulder. Jane suddenly feels quite small, like a little kid again, with her Dad explaining some hard truth to het in a way only Dads can do for their daughters. She smiles sadly.]

Mister Xander...thinking about myself never did anyone I cared about any good. Not here, and not at home. I haven't been able to do a lick of good for my friends. If I can help people here...it helps. I'm sure I'll get my day in the sun, but right now...everyone needs that sun. If a little TLC or a cake or a smile can do that, then by gum, it's going to be done.

[She puts her hand over Xander's. There's a heaviness to her voice, a strain to hold in tears. It's fine
She can't cry now. It's fine.] Everyone here has done more for me in the past weeks than I've ever deserved. I want to repay that kindness - I want us all to persevere, so that everyone we've lost...they won't look down and be disappointed. Even if takes everything...to me, it's worth it. If I hadn't learned that by now, that would make me a rather shitty friend, wouldn't it?

[kingshaming]

You're right... and it is a noble goal. I'm not going to ask you to stop doing what eases your heart. But...

I'm worried about you, Jane. You have a stout heart, but all of us are breaking under the strain. And I know the trials have been hard on you. You hesitate when it comes accusing others directly- it's kind, but it won't keep you alive.

[cyan_maid]

[She glances away.]

...I...can't really help but hesitate. I hate this kind of "mystery". I used to delight in being right, but now I constantly hope I'm wrong - just so I don't have to be the one to...to condemn someone.